Follow The Word of Ward on Twitter

Just a quick note as I am technically at work right now although I am writing this in my officially sanctioned lunch break. The Word of Ward has been getting a lot of attention recently (not sure why but the figures keep doubling), so to the 1000s of new unique daily visitors who missed it – I am also on twitter: @thewordofward.

For those of you not on Twitter, I apologise for brazenly wasting your time. Frankly though, this seemed a good excuse to remind people to follow me  as I clearly crave incessant attention. I promise to be vaguely interesting.

@thewordofward

Devil Baby prank

I saw this all over the interweb and thought I would share just in case you missed it. I have previously posted a prank that was actually a viral promo for the horror film Carrie. Well here is another one for a horror film called Devil’s Due – which as far as I can tell is like Rosemary’s Baby but without the eeriness or tension. I suspect it will be just full of ‘jumpy’ moments. So this prank is pretty apt. (Please note: I haven’t seen Devil’s Due, it might be brilliant.) Enjoy.

 

Fuerza Bruta

Fuertza Bruta

Fuertza Bruta

I saw this last night at the Roundhouse in Camden (London) and if you want the short version of the review:

It was awesome, go and see it.

Now for a more lengthy version. I had no idea what to expect from Fuerza Bruta as every review I had read struggled to accurately describe what happens. I’m not going to lie – this will probably be the same. But it might at least give you a taster.

Here is a basic rundown of how things happened and what goes on:

At the start of the show we, the milling crowd, were led to the central section of the Roundhouse into what could be described as a circular circus tent that was missing a roof. The audience was immediately herded toward the centre of the room where we waited and sipped drinks and were treated to techno that sounded a bit like a heartbeat. A heartbeat from an increasingly excited person. Then the lights dimmed and Fuerza Bruta began.

_DSC6097.JPGAt first no one knew where to look. Then, people gradually turned in one direction where there was a guy silhouetted in an orange light welcoming us and shouting a bit. Then the lights came on and there was a row of Argentinian drummers. As their drumbeats filled the air a group of shouting people suddenly swung from out of nowhere and skimmed over our heads while at the same time lights started to strobe and the air was filled with confetti. This was what Fuertza Bruta was all about – spectacle, sensation, and an incredibly fun interactive experience.

The show was essentially three acts that were linked by drums, dancing, music and sensory assault. As things changed, the audience was expertly moved and parted to allow sets and machines to be brought among us.

FuerzaBrutaFor the first act, we were split into two groups as a huge treadmill was wheeled in amongst us. Then an unstoppable man began an inexplicable journey. He walks, then runs, with wind and confetti blasting in his face. Suddenly there is a shot, blood appears on his shirt and he stops for second seemingly about to collapse. Then he takes the shirt off, revealing an identical one underneath, and gets going once more. I won’t go into too much detail but there are obstacles such as people, chairs, walls that explode into glitter, staircases and more, as this plucky fellow miraculously pounds ahead with music blaring and strobe lights strobing. Fuertza Bruta means ‘brute force’ and it clearly stemmed from this amazing set piece.

fuerza-bruta-2-816x1024After another few moments of ‘where the hell should I look now’ and a dash of ‘what’s going to happen next’ eyes strayed to the ceiling. Two large rectangular pools made from see though plastic where suspended above us. A light shining through revealed the body of a lithe young lady lying in a shallow pool of water. As the pools were lowered toward us she was joined by other lithe women and a strangely beautiful (and beautifully strange) dance occurs as the ladies writhe and leap and occasionally slam down in an explosion of purple-lit water. At times this occurs inches from the audience’s head and if you are tall enough you can push the plastic bottom of the pool as the performers slide over. It was such an amazing atmosphere and unique spectacle that it felt only a tiniest bit pervy.

1240-3-fuerza-brutaFor Fuerza Bruta’s final act a plastic sheet is pulled across the top of the audience – by the audience themselves – which is then filled with air to create a big plastic dome. Performers then appear on top of this dome and peep through via three holes. At one point they dropped into the audience and grabbed a couple of people, which was a tad disconcerting. Other madness occurs such as tubes with flying people and fans billowing and music and general shenanigans. By this point our senses had been pretty heavily assaulted by wonder and we calmly took it in our stride.It is then all nicely rounded off with the drummers and the whole cast dancing.

The above description is just a taste of what Fuerza Bruta is all about. There is a lot more I haven’t even mentioned. It is a spectacle where art meets performance and if that sounds pretentious then I should also add that it is messy, loud and bloody good fun.

If you are in London, it is on at the Roundhouse (which is an awesome venue anyway and well worth a visit) until the 2nd of March. More info here. It also appears all over the world, but I suspect only in major cities as it needs venues actually capable of holding the show.

In case my feeble description of Fuerza Bruta isn’t enough to wet your insatiable appetite, here are a couple of videos. Enjoy and then book tickets – it’s worth it.

Fuerza Bruta at the Roundhouse ad:

And a generic ad (from the New York show I think):

Pin It

Arthur C. Clarke predicts computers and internet in 1974

Arthur C. Clarke predicted a ton of stuff like satellites, fully immersive VR games, sexily voiced computers and space elevators and and so on. (Granted the latter hasn’t actually happened yet but NASA does have team on it, even if it’s taking a while http://science1.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2000/ast07sep_1/).

In this clip from 1974, he predicts small computers will one day exist in everyone’s houses. He predicted that these computers would also one day connect to each other so we can communicate, order plane tickets, buy pointless shite and look at naked people. The guy was a genius. Anyway, see for yourself:

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas from the Word of Ward! And from Mrs Word of Ward!

If you don’t celebrate Christmas but have a festival – then Happy Festival!

If you don’t have any festival or holiday or anything then… um… happy 4th day post equinox. I assume you are at work.

Whatever the deal – enjoy!

santa

Pin It

eBook Self Promotion

Well folks, it is almost Christmas and in the spirit of giving, buying things online and capitalism generally, I deem it a good moment to plug a book. Buy my book! Thanks.

RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS BOTH MY EBOOKS ARE FREE! If you miss the promotion, I should point out that they are both at the minimum price you can charge for an ebook. Which is pennies. Or cents.

What I would really like from you dear readers is a review or ten. Especially from you lovely non-UK types. Trust me, a review really, really helps. Unless you are mean in which case – move along.

My travel book: Australia, Morocco, and Thailand. Three True Travel Stories is a collection of short travel tales of near peril. At this particular moment it is #1 in Essays and Travelogues on Amazon UK! It cannot be higher. (I have a screenshot to prove it.) And it’s free. So get it and review it. Here is the blurb:

Jason Ward tells three true stories of fairly perilous travel.
While backpacking in his early twenties, he decides to give fruit picking a go. Even without the spiders, snakes, and a plague of locusts, things turn out pretty badly.
A trip into the Atlas Mountains with his girlfriend turns out less than romantic when flash floods threaten to wipe out the town. The only escape option is a van full of Berber tribesmen and a waterlogged road on the edge of a cliff.
After moving to the peaceful paradise of Thailand, Ward goes to a local pub near his Bangkok flat. That evening there is a military coup. In Bangkok. So why can’t he see anything?
These stories are filled with humour and dollops of fear. Recommended for those who enjoy travel stories or just like reading about someone being mildly terrified in foreign countries.

For US readers:

For UK readers:

Thanks you wonderful people. I will soon be back talking about inane stuff as usual.

Stabilised Video of Lunar Buggy on the Moon

I saw this on www.http://sploid.gizmodo.com/ and thought I would share. If you like science and space exploration, you will probably have already seen the original footage of astronauts driving a buggy on the moon. If you haven’t then shame on you, but not to worry – here is the same footage but stabilised. It frankly fills me with wonder that we apelike creatures can achieve this stuff when we put our minds to it. I’m hoping that now China has it’s first moon lander Yutu up there, coupled with developments from companies like Space X, we are on the first of a much needed expansion into space.

Before the video, here is an interesting fact: NASA hired General Motors and Boeing around $40 million US for four of the buggys. Three are still on the moon.

Pin It

Danny Boyle’s Frankenstein starring Cumberbatch and Miller

Frankenstein directed by Danny Boyle, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller

Frankenstein directed by Danny Boyle, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller

I saw his the other day at the National Theatre Live screenings. I thought seeing a film of a live play was a bit of a weird idea but it actually turned out to be a superb evening out. Of course it could be down to the fact that the thing we went to see was absolutely incredible: Danny Boyle very ably directs Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller in Frankenstein. I really cannot stress how great this was.

_51401429_frankenstein_464Part of the genius of it was having the actors swap roles on alternate nights. One night Miller was Frankenstein, the next it was Cumberbatch. The night we saw it, Cumberbatch was the monster. (This was possibly due to fact that my wife has a bit of crush on him and he is in a loincloth for most of the opening scene.) The idea is that the actor can effectively riff off each other’s performance, subtly affecting each other’s portrayals. You also get a slightly different experience on the two separate nights. What you end up with are two astounding performances from both actors. Miller and Cumberbatch were both superlative in their respective roles reflecting the similarities, contrasts, and underlying bond between Frankenstein and his ‘monster’.

Another big plus for me is that the play was pretty closely based on Mary Shelley’s original book. I studied Frankenstein for my Literature degree and always thought it was a shame Hollywood usually went for a mute and stupid monster, whereas in the original he was smart and erudite and tortured by the self awareness of how he looked and what he was. He was passionate and lonely and wanted to love whereas Frankenstein was cold and aloof and tended to shun company. There are a lot of themes being explored here and it’s intelligently done.

I’m not sure how long the National Theatre will be doing this but if you get a chance to see it, I thoroughly 100% recommend it. You can’t see it on the internet or buy it (which is weird in this day and age), so go and see Frankenstein at your nearest arty cinema.

Links to performances can be found here: http://ntlive.nationaltheatre.org.uk/productions/16546-frankenstein

Here is a trailer:

Here is another:

Pin It

Amazon Prime Air

In a few years we will be in a fabulous and impatient science fiction-esque world with unmanned vehicles flying stuff to your very front door. But this is not appearing on the awesome Scifiward website as it is soon to be a reasonably exciting reality. As early as 2015 if Amazon is to be believed. Here is the idea: you place an order and a quad-copter thing flies it to your house. Pretty cool right? Here is a lovely picture:

Amazon Prime Air

Amazon Prime Air

Although I personally think it will be brilliant to have robots flying all over the place, I foresee a few problems with this:

It will only be for Prime customers. So it might be a fairly pricey object being delivered. Consequently it may be a target for ne’er-do-wells.

Even if it isn’t a target because of its perceived value, it still may have something fun inside it like a DVD or Bluray or whatever. Like a ‘mystery box’ of the air. People will try and shoot it down.

Even if it isn’t even carrying anything, people will try and take it down because people are just dicks. In Britain, they will try and take it down with stones or whatever. In America they have guns. In other countries they fire weapons in the air because they are happy/angry on a daily basis.

What if you live in a flat?

I can’t see me using this service very often myself. The main things I buy these days are books (delivered to my kindle through the internet), films (mostly downloaded legally or on Netflix) and games (download or Christmas gifts). The only thing I have delivered are Blurays, but with increasing bandwidths and cheaper cloud storage, I won’t even need that. But that’s just me.

However, I may change my tune if the following comes to pass. I am going to assume the drones will be able to zoom in on your mobile phone location as that is pretty damn easy to do. If this is the case and they deliver from their entire range then presumably I will be able to lie in a field on a summer’s day and with a tap of a finger can have a bottle of wine or a six-pack of ale delivered to my location. If that happens I will welcome this technology heartily.

Here is a clip:

Pin It

Sherlock Holmes Season 3

Sherlock Holmes Season 3

Sherlock Holmes Season 3

Ok, I’ll keep this brief. Like the trailer. #sherlocklives pretty much explains what it’s all about. We knew that anyway as you see him at the end of the final episode of season 2. The big shock here is Martin Freeman’s/Watson’s facial hair. I guess it was the ‘Singular Case of the Movember Murders’ Sherlock Holmes’ story (which was a cracker). Here you go:

 

Pin It

Octoberfest Munich

I’m a bit late with this, given that we got back from Octoberfest a month ago but it stays pretty much the same each year. So for those who are merely interested, this will be a fascinating account as usual. For people going to Octoberfest 2014, this should give a bit of a heads up as to what to expect. Hint: bring Berocca. I wrote this soon after we got back to London.

OCTOBERFEST!!! What is there to say? My bucket list has been pretty shortened recently what with a visit to Pompeii and now a slurring stumble through OCTOBERFEST!!! (That’s how it has to be pronounced I’m afraid.)

Augustiner tent

Augustiner tent

So what is OCTOBERFEST!!! (alright, I’ll stop now) actually like? Mrs Word of Ward and myself were a bit mental in that we went in October. Most of it is in September, but the Bavarians obviously decided Septemberfest sounded stupid. I highly recommend going mid-week because it can get ridiculously busy at weekends or holidays. Our first day was a Monday and we found a seat in several ‘tents’ pretty easily, which was a relief and erroneously made us think things would always be this civilised. Each time we moved to a new tent we wandered about, found a bench, then chatted to the other inebriates at the table. It was a pleasant international pissup indeed and a fine way to start the week.

Here’s a breakdown of things as they happened.

We arrived at around 3pm and headed for one of the bigger tents – the legendary Augustiner Festhalle (www.festhalle-augustiner.com). We found a seat pretty quickly – between an older couple from Vancouver and a group of drunken Italians. A middle aged German waitress, who was very much in charge and a little bit scary, took our order. Which was pretty easy because there were just two options – a litre of lager or nothing. She then took several other orders. Five minutes later she was back and carrying TEN litres of beer. Just one is heavy, ten beers weighs more than my wife. Probably.

There is a band in each Octoberfest tent and every 15 minutes or so they play a drinking song which then necessitates everyone to cheers each other. Or specifically – say ‘Prost’ and smack glasses together. Everyone on our table chatted to each and it was all remarkably friendly. The Augustiner beer is probably my favourite lager there and I pride myself on being a beer connoisseur/mild alcoholic.

Octoberfest

Octoberfest

After our first litre we went for a wander. The festival is a bit like a standard fair with several roads lined with food stalls, fairground games, a few rides, and lots of drunks (the latter are common in British fairs too but at least here there is an excuse). The Octoberfest beer halls are immense – some can hold up to 10,000 people. The amount of beer being drunk is quite awesome and inspiring to behold.

We decided to check out a few more of the beer halls because that was the whole point of being at Octoberfest after all. We had a guide we had printed from the all-knowing internet that gave a rough overview of each hall and their differences and specialties. Frankly, by our fourth ‘Festhalle’, we realised that they were all pretty much the same. A massive hall with a band in it and tons of wasted people singing and shouting ‘prost’ every few minutes while incredibly strong German women charged around with tankards of ale. Of course it could also have been that after four litres (actually a bit more as I gallantly helped Mrs Word of Ward with some of hers), your ability to analyse, discern, or even see is somewhat compromised.

As the evening wore on, the halls got more and more packed and the people got more and more drunk. By the time we left I was amazed that so many were still able to walk, although there were a few casualties sleeping it off here and there. If this had been anywhere in Britain there would have been fights, vomiting, rioting, random nudity and so forth, but the Octoberfest was ridiculously nice.

20131001_155321On the second day we got there in the early afternoon and it was noticeably more packed. It was the 2nd of October and the 3rd is German reunification day and a national holiday. It seemed as if everyone had taken the afternoon off, knowing they could sleep in the next day. We went to a tent called Schützen-Festzelt (www.schuetzen-festzelt.de) as it was legendary for its suckling pig. Unlike the previous day, it was a nightmare finding a seat. After half an hour we lucked out when a group of young, traditionally dressed Germans took pity and let us join them at the end of their table. From that point on, the aisles started to fill with people so we really were quite fortunate. We ordered more beer and the tent specialty – roasted piggy. The huge slab of pig and crackling was amazing. Perfect beer food. Our table was entirely local Bavarians and the smaller tent felt very German. I didn’t hear any other languages being spoken anywhere and we felt a bit left out when loads of German beer songs started to get sung. By the end of our epic porcine breakfast/lunch the place was heaving and it was a relief to get out.

We wandered around a bit more but the crowds were getting pretty oppressive. We then found a seat outside a tent and got a couple more litres in. Our table was once again full of chatty local Munich people. They asked if I thought German was a harsh language, which was hard to answer without being rude. I basically stated that at least it wasn’t French and left it at that. Some guys started singing and suddenly everyone else did too. This had a slightly more passionate edge to it than the happy go lucky drinking tunes of the tents and one of our neighbours explained that it was a football thing.

It was then that we realised that it really is essential to be inside a beer hall. Being outside in a beer garden, we could have been anywhere and the atmosphere inside was a hell of a lot more fun.

After a couple more halls we were done. It was too busy. By 7pm, there were now queues forming outside each beer hall and we couldn’t be bothered. One tent, called Fischer Vroni was famous for fish. Outside they were cooking them whole over a long line of coal. We bought one and it was bloody delicious. I highly recommend it. At 16 Euros, it was expensive but it really was worth it. Also each beer costs 10 Euros, so it’s all relative.

Awesome fish at Fischer Vroni

Awesome fish at Fischer Vroni

So what tips can give?

-Bring lots of money. A bottle of water was 4 Euros, and beer was 10 (actually a bit under that but the waitresses really deserved a tip).

-Pick your day carefully. If it’s a weekend or holiday then get to the tents early. You can book a table for a couple of hours if it’s busy but otherwise it is fun to wander around and share seats. Most tents have a reserved area and a free-for-all area.

-Most evenings get pretty packed. Be prepared to queue. Or beat the system and get drunk early.

-The atmosphere inside the tents is much more fun than outside.

-The food can be pricey but they are American (or Bavarian) sized portions and are good for two people. Unless you are American or Bavarian.

-Eat the fish cooked over coals, it’s seriously nice.

-As I said at the start – bring Berocca.

Erm… that’s all I can think of. Octoberfest is pretty much what you imagine it will be. A massive pissup organised by Germans and enjoyed by all. In a tent.

 

 

 

 

Pin It

LLSB – Long Live Southbank

Even without everything going on Southbank is a nice spot

Even without everything going on Southbank is a nice spot

This is primarily about the LLSB, Long Live Southbank campaign but it also rambles charmingly on about London in general. So if you aren’t a Londoner but one day hope to visit, consider this an incentive. Alternatively, if you are into skateboarding, check out the video at the end.

southbank human statueOne of the joys of being a Londoner is just the sheer amount of stuff that is going on all the time. Truly if you are bored of London, you are a boring bastard indeed. There is not just so much going on that you feel guilty every time you browse an issue of Time Out, there is also a ridiculous variety of things all around. I love all the book readings by famous authors, comedy nights, world famous bands playing live, the greatest selection of theatres on the planet, the markets, the pubs, parks, and random events like boat races/fireworks/pageants/random art happenings/street performances, etc. There are also things I don’t really give a shit about – opera, human statues, invigorating swims outside in the winter, performance art, vegetarian restaurants, chessboxing, religion, skateboarding, and so on.

But just because I don’t give a shit about these latter examples doesn’t mean I don’t want them around. They add something to the city.

Southbank-bookstallFor example, a place I love is the Southbank. This stretch on the south side of the Thames holds pretty much everything I have mentioned in both lists (not sure about chessboxing but I wouldn’t be surprised). It has Shakespeare’s Globe theatre (which must be experienced), the British Film Institute, the London Eye, Tate Modern, second hand books stalls, bars, restaurants, theatres and art galleries. It even has a beach!

It has also a place for skateboarders which has been there since I was a kid. As I said, I don’t really care much about skateboarding but the Southbank skateboard park is something I would be very sad to see disappear. It adds to London’s diversity. It seems a fun place for all the young youth-types to hang around. It’s always a laugh watching someone trying to show off and falling flat on their face. Besides, the area has been dedicated to the skateboarders for 40 years. Everyone likes it, including tourists.

LFA-south-bank-skateboarding_jpg_573x380_crop_q85The problem, no matter what the council’s argument claims to be, is that the skateboarders don’t make any money for Lambeth whereas a Starbucks/Wagamamas/Nandos/whatever will.

If the Southbank skateboard park is shut and replaced with chain shops/restaurants, it can only be a bad thing for a city trying to stay one of the top places for art,creativity, and diversity. I think it will be a massive shame to lose this. So do lots of others. Consequently, the LLSB or Long Live Southbank was set up.

I wrote most of this because they have now made a short video that they want to try and go viral. It’s actually really interesting, even if you aren’t into skateboarding. (Their website is here and is worth a look: http://www.llsb.com/)

At least watch the video and make your mind up. I learned some new things.

 

Pin It

Rising seas interactive map

A friend just posted this on Facebook. It’s basically a map that shows what will happen if the sea levels rise due to all the ice melting. I have a house in Essex, live in London and will probably end up living in Bangkok at some point. According to this map, I should practice swimming. I found it interesting and thought I would share. There is a link below this picture of a damper than usual Europe.

RS_Web_EU_8M_v3

Rising Seas Interactive Map link

Thanks National Geographic.

 

Pin It

Game and Watch

Game and Watch

Game and Watch

When I was a nipper in the early 80s I was addicted to my Game and Watch collection. Whenever I was forced out of the flat and my away from my Atari, I always had my one of these bad boys on my person. Sometimes more. I was the school champion at both Octopus and Fire and still managed to be incredibly popular and good at rounders.

Well, the other day I found an online emulator where you can play a ton of old hand-held LCD based games. Donkey Kong, Octopus and so on. They are really well done and will probably cause a nostalgic tear or two if you are old enough. If you are younger then you will probably rejoice that the world of hand-held gaming has changed and go back to Candy Crush on your phone. Smug little bastard.

Without further ado, here is a link. Hark back to a simpler time and simpler pleasures. Now I’m off to play GTA5.

http://www.pica-pic.com/

Pin It

The Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense

This comes courtesy of Richard Dawkins – a man who loathes anyone who believes in anything that is provably bollocks. Which is a hell of a lot of stuff. If you believe in any of the below then fair play to you. Just don’t look into it too hard. Like testing things under controlled conditions or really doing research into the topic or anything like that.

To be honest, I would quite like a lot of these to be true. Finding Bigfoot or being able to levitate or seeing a ghost (when you haven’t coincidentally just woken up) would be amazing and make the world much more interesting. In my superb opinion – if they make you feel good then go for it. I honestly don’t care what you believe. Just please, I beg you, don’t try and talk others into your point of view.

Anyway, prepare to have your cynicism levels seriously boosted.

 

The Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense

The Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense

Pin It

Telekinetic Powers in a Coffee Shop

This is pretty damned funny. I can only assume the people involved were brought up to speed afterward or they will now be gibbering wrecks curled up under their beds.

It was all done to promote the new Carrie film where a girl gets some stuff spilt on her and then massively overreacts. So it’s like a mini trailer. Enjoy.

How often should you blog?

Write more!

Write more!

This has been a question that has been bugging me for literally 10-15 minutes. Maybe even slightly longer.

I consulted the all-knowing internet and discovered to my horror that opinions were divided on the matter. Some said several short posts a day, others a longer post once a week or two. The divergence ended there thankfully, this wasn’t a youtube comments section or anything.

I have read a few blogs that has one plucky blogger posting several times a day and it ends up feeling like a fairly dull diary or even worse – a twitter feed by a bored narcissist. Blogging is pretty narcissistic as it is (I also work as a journalist so my opinions count more, it’s official) so I wanted to avoid that.

On the other hand, anything more than a 10 day gap between entries ends up with a noticeable dip in readership.

As you probably know if you read this fantastic site regularly I tend to write slightly longer blog entries every five to ten days or so. This is mostly because I am busy with other stupid jobs/life commitments/exciting social events but also because I am lazy and overly verbose without an editor. Plus, this has always been a hobby.

One thing that most bloggers do seem to agree on is that inconsistency is bad. My website has slowly climbed to about 5000 hits a day over a period of years. Which is ok but not great. I want great. So I have decided to take the whole thing a lot more seriously and will henceforth try and be more regular. I am going to aim for twice a week. I will let you know how that affects things re readership in case you are a fellow blogger and are curious about this sort of thing. Which, if you are reading this, you probably are. (Apologies to everyone else, this may have been dull.)

This bound-to-be life changing decision will take effect in the middle of October. I am currently on holiday in Germany drinking litres of beer in preparation. You can’t blog during Octoberfest my friends.

 

Pin It

Going On Holiday

Yes, The Word of Ward and Mrs Word of Ward are off on holiday. We leave tomorrow for sunny and welcoming Germany. I love Germany and am massively looking forward to schnitzels, sausages, sauerkraut, litres of beer, and a transport system that actually works. Ignoring a couple of unpleasant World Wars, the Brits get on pretty well with the Germans. We are of similar tribal stock back in the day and both love a good scrap. The efficient tribe members stayed there and the more creative ones went to the rainier but more exciting isles of Blighty. Consequently they have a good transport network and well run economy while we invented everything (trains, TVs, computers, the world wide web, the industrial revolution, etc) and have all the best bands, actors, writers, etc. A fair split I think.

Octoberfest

Octoberfest

Our first stop will be Munich where we will be visiting a quaint little festival called OCTOBERFEST!!! Which will be another bucket-list item ticked. I had heard that there is a tent just for the British/Irish/Australians and South Africans as they tend to be the most into beer and fighting and vomiting and so forth, so it’s good to keep them contained. As an English/Irish/Australian writer I find these stereotypes pretty shocking. I would complain more but I’m on my fourth pint and can’t be arsed.

After four days of this, assuming my liver hasn’t exploded, we are taking the train to Berlin. Where we shall partake of art and cabaret and general coolness until we can’t take any more. Think of Bowie and Iggy Pop when they lived there – like that but without all the heroin. It’s going to be awesome.

We’ve both been to Munich before but not OCTOBERFEST!!! (Sorry, but it has to be written that way.) I’ve also been to Berlin before but it was in the late 90s and may possibly have changed a little. So we will be seeing a lot of stuff. But not so much that we won’t be taking time out to chill and write and quaff ales in wifi enabled coolness holes.

I just thought a heads up to my lovely readers was in order on the off chance that my liver does explode. But as an English+Irish+Australian+writer’s liver it is pretty damn hardy.

So expect some exciting photos in the near future!

Auf Wiedersehen for now!

Pin It

Kids toys are crazy

Stick and a hoop. Classic.

Stick and a hoop. Classic.

I have been working a lot recently, which is a shame as work is officially bad for you (probably). It’s certainly detrimental to your brain when you work in the TV industry and have to work on kids’ TV channels for twelve hours in a row. This mental stress is increased still further when you get to the adverts and see what kind of bat-shit craziness passes for toys these days.

If you have kids/sticky little humans of your own, you may already be aware of some of these products. I don’t. Consequently their toys are new to me and frankly, they are just fucking bizarre. I won’t even be mentioning little girls’ dolls that pee and crap themselves as I find them genuinely scary. I’m just looking at the odd here. It baffles me how someone thought these would be good fun, how they got the funding, how they persuaded shops to sell them, who would buy them for their kids, and so on. Ok, you will see what I mean. I just picked four, but there are tons of these things.

Silly Moo Action Game

Are your kids fascinated by farming? In particular milking cows? Are they worried about the whole milk vs cowshit problems endemic with the business? If yes, then check out the Silly Moo Action Game! Milk a cow and win when milk comes out or lose when it shits itself! The game ends when the cow’s eyes pop out. Brilliant.

Ned’s Head

In this game, a dismembered head is placed on a table and kiddywinks reach in through the ears/mouth/whatever and try to pull out aliens or brains or rats or – if you freeze right at the end around 00:13 and look beneath the rat on the right hand side – what looks like a shit-stained diaper. Fun!

Gooey Louie

Sticking with the ‘head on a table’ theme, we now have Gooey Louie. In this one, the head sneezes and the aim is to pull out his snot. If you pull the wrong snot, then his brains explode out of his head! Seriously. That’s the game.

Doggie Doo

Finally we come to doggie doo. A genius mash-up of some of the above ideas. You feed the plastic dog, squeeze a pump, and then catch a dog-shit on a shovel. The end. Look how happy they all are!

Imagine 12 hours of this and you will see why have another job.

 

Pin It

The Sound of Space – Voyager has left the system.

voyager2_largeVoyager has officially left the solar system. NASA said so and they seem pretty certain about it.

Voyager 1 was launched in September 1977, 36 years ago. I was 5 years old and it has remained an awe inspiring achievement throughout my life. It’s one of those things that humanity occasionally does that makes me feel proud of it. Good work humanity. The ability to look outward and the desire to explore and learn is a trait that should be encouraged. Sadly this trait was soon after rejected because we need more money for wars and bailing out banks and so forth.

I’m going to try not to rant about this but to put things in perspective, the UK spends £4.6 billion a year on science. That’s ALL science. The bank bailout is expected to cost the country over a TRILLION pounds since 2007. Just the bailout of RBS cost the taxpayer £46 billion. So when someone whinges about space exploration costing too much money, they are talking bollocks. Anyway, Branson is going to do it now, so the government and the whingebags can piss off.

Back to Voyager. The mission took some brilliant photos of Jupiter and Saturn and their associated moons. Our knowledge base has grown massively. It single handedly inspired the opening sequence to Star Trek Voyager when it flies through the rings of Saturn (probably). Speaking of Star Trek –  there is also the possibility that Voyager will return and be super-intellgent thanks to some sentient machines it may meet in the far future, like in Star Trek the Motion picture. These are just a few perks in addition to the knowledge and pictures.

Voyager returns in Star Trek 1 movie.

Voyager returns in Star Trek 1 movie.

One curious thing that I have personally discovered, is that Voyager has discovered sounds in space. I think. They are waves emanating from the sun and are recorded and sound like a noise. Another thing that I discovered is that the sound of space is pretty damned terrifying! Imagine the sound-track to a ‘space horror’ movie mixed with the sounds used in a scifi show to show ‘advanced aliens are up to something’ and that’s the sound. Downright eerie! (You can hear it below.)

I just wanted to say good work Voyager 1 (and 2) and all those involved in the project. I look forward to being a head in a jar in 40,000 years’ time when it makes it through the black bit between stars.

Here’s a short 2 minute with the terrifying sounds of space. Sail on!

Pin It