Stop using your phone speaker in public. Twat

I think the title pretty says where I am going to go with this. In case you are slow on the uptake – and if you are a culprit of this you probably are – if you use your phone speaker to talk or play music when in a public place, then I hate you. You’re a selfish gimp and I hope you regularly walk into lamp posts.

I am particularly grumpy today and as I get older, a lot of my righteous anger comes from dickheads on phones. Why do people think it is acceptable to use a speaker phone in public? Why not use it the way very clever designers have intended it to be used? As in, held up to your ear for privacy in consideration to others, the way they have been for over 100 years. I was around when mobile phones became more ubiquitous. I got my first mobile in 1996 and it was awesome. You could arrange to meet someone and if there was a problem, you could let them know. You could make plans on the fly. This was pretty cool back in the day, let me tell you.

Then came smart phones. With these came the annoyance of people looking at them all the time. Walking slowly and tapping away as if they have something urgent going on that justifies them slowing down and blocking other people like a large turd in the sewage pipe of life. If you meet a friend and have your phone screen up and keep looking at it, you are rude and annoying to hang around with. That has been probably been scientifically proven somewhere, so you can’t argue. Genuinely fascinating and cool people I admire don’t do this. James Bond or Bowie wouldn’t do this when out with people. Or even someone superb who’s alive and/or real like Keanu Reeves, Bill Murray or Professor Brian Cox – they would focus on where they are and who they are with. Even this isn’t as annoying as speakerphones use though.

Ok I will admit I am ranting a bit now and this is only directed at a certain type of person. Generally, they are insecure people trying to seem important or they are overly confident and simply don’t care about others. In either case, I have yet to hear an interesting conversation. For those, arguably larger arseholes who deem it fine to play music out loud – listen to better music. I might be ok if you are playing Radiohead, Zeppelin, the Beatles, Arctic Monkeys, Johnny Cash, etc, but that is never, ever the case. I have never heard someone with a good taste in music play it out loud. It is like they are real-life trolls just trying to annoy. Play some jazz or something you massive fucknut or – and this is a revelation – BUY HEADPHONES.

I feel I should apologise for the language used in this post but I have had five coffees and an annoying commute in rush hour today. If you are one of those who uses your loudspeaker then I can take solace in the fact you are also one of the moronic asshats who stares at their phone as they walk along only glancing up occasionally. Obviously that is a guess but they are always the same people and happily the internet is full of these numbnuts walking into posts and holes and canals. I love those clips (as long as they survive), so thanks and know that if walk into a fountain, you have cheered me up no end and balanced out some of my anger. The circle of life I guess.

This whole issue is a relatively recent one, just the last few years, so I hope it is a passing fad and I can stop being such an angry maniac and go back to being happy go lucky with just the occasional outburst about people who hum or whistle or fart. I had previously mentioned how I want to care a lot less about things (such as Brexit) but it is hard when you struggle to read or walk because of these absolute… Deep breath… Ok… Soon people will start to have things implanted and ideally, become telepathic. Or ideally, not leave the house. Until then be quiet and considerate to others. Next post I will be more cheerful!