Tag Archives: humour

Worst Catfish Ever

In case you didn’t know, to catfish is when someone pretends to be someone else online (usually someone way more attractive) and then strings some poor sod along. Sometimes it’s for money, other times because… I don’t know, people are weird. It is often a sad story involving really lonely people who are ridiculously gullible and really nasty sociopaths who will get their comeuppance if there turns out to be an afterlife. Sometimes people are just bored morons.

So is it ok to make jokes about it? I think yes. You should be able to satirise things and if you are intelligent enough, you will realise that mocking something isn’t the same as condoning it. Also, the more it is mentioned, the more someone might think twice before falling for a complete stranger online and then sending them money and pictures of their arse. I’m in my 40s and have never made a new friend online, so I feel pretty safe. I have reached an age where frankly, I know enough people already and don’t care about meeting more.

So having said all that here is the ‘Worst catfish ever’. It made me laugh.

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Alan Partridge: Nomad

I am a massive Alan Partridge fan but I have never read any of his books as I assumed they wouldn’t work as well as the TV show and were just cashing in. I was colossally wrong. Alan Partridge: Nomad appeared on some recommendation page or other and it had such good reviews that I impulsively downloaded it. I am exciting that way.

The intention was to have something amusing to read while I was waiting for a train or out with someone boring. Once it had landed on my phone however, I thought I would just read a little to see what it was like. I had to stop 5 minutes later because I was laughing too hard and frankly it was embarrassing as I was on train. In the end I just had to look like a lunatic as I sniggered my way home reading. I read the book in two sittings (I had to meet someone exciting which interrupted it).

Nomad is one of the funniest books I have ever read. I guess it helps if you know Alan Partridge as his voice read the book in my head and was all the funnier for it. This is now literally the case as I have also downloaded the audiobook (read by Coogan/ Partridge). It might also help if you studied British D-list celebrities as Alan recounts a lot of run ins. Especially Noel Edmunds.

Alan Partridge: Nomad is the story of Alan doing a walk called the “Footsteps of my Father” where he follows the route taken by his father when he went from Norfolk to Dungeness to get a job at a nuclear power plant. I cannot stress how much more funny it is than that sounds.

Unless you hate laughter and looking like a giggling nutcase, I highly recommend this book. It is superb. Long live Partridge.

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The Hangover 2

The Hangover 2

This film has had a lot of bad press. Mostly because the plot is almost exactly the same as the original. Which is true, but what the fuck were people expecting given the title? The point to be considered is whether it is funny or not. Which it is. If this had come out first then critics would be bitching about the Vegas one.

First off, the plot. As stated, think of the first one and put it in Thailand. Bangkok mostly. I lived in Bangkok for a few years and can confirm that it is an awesomely fun city where it is incredibly easy to get into a serious amount of shit. Which is exactly what happens.

This film is a lot darker from the first one. It is hard to say how without giving away a laugh or two but they get mixed up with the Bangkok underworld and get into some fairly extreme situations. People get shot, lose fingers, and the Chinese guy from the first film is naked again. It is possible that this darker tone might put people off a bit but keep in mind that this is an 18 rated comedy, so again, what the fuck did you expect?

I enjoyed this movie as much as the first one. More in fact as I miss Bangkok and Thailand generally, and can’t wait to live back there. They even visit two of my regular hangouts – the bar scene on Soi Cowboy and a really cool restaurant/bar on top of a building. I might also be biased as I hung out with the line producer, the producer, the special effects guy, and more of the crew when I was last in Bangkok. This was because my brother-in-law is an entertainment lawyer and lives in Bangkok. Which is pretty handy. As a result we went out a few times with these seriously loaded movie types and they like to have fun. Plus they bought me shitloads of beer.

So all that really needs to be said is: if you liked the first one, you will like this. I loved it.


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Amazon can see into my brain

This morning I logged into Amazon and checked out my recommendations. At first I was a bit shocked at what kind of twisted artistic deviant they must think I am. Then I realized they had actually got it pretty right. I don’t know what kind of cunning algorithms they have there but it was like looking at a snapshot of my colossal brain. The sort of things that make my mighty brain tick. Here are the top 4:



First up, is an arty French film with a classic arthouse tale. A French chick a hundred years ago has a really shitty life. All she likes to do is make art whenever she has a spare moment. Just to make things shitter, the First World War then breaks out. Eventually an art dealer discovers her and everything comes up trumps. This recommendation is obviously because Amazon recognises a sensitive artistic soul.

Big Tits Zombie 3DBig Tits Zombie

Yup. This was number two. Obviously this should be near the top of any red-blooded male zombie fan’s list. Big breasted Oriental chicks with chainsaws in 3D! How could that be bad? Well obviously it could be a pretty crap but with zombies, breasts, and chainsaws, it can’t be awful.

The Fields of DeathThe Fields of Death by Simon Scarrow

This recommendation was easier to work out as I had read the three books that lead up to this and I love historical fiction. An awesome, epic tale that recounts the lives of Napoleon and Wellington until they finally meet at Waterloo. It’s cool because it is a real story and one of those historical tales that would be a bit far fetched if it was fiction. Huge bloody battles galore!

Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 2

This was a superb recommendation as it is actually a game I have already played on PC. Epic, brilliant space adventure at it’s best. I fucking love this game so much. The sequel is coming out soon and I will be getting that. This was a recommendation as I clearly enjoy brilliance.

So there you go. If you are a psychic and were lucky enough to meet me and probed my mind, this is pretty much what’s in there. A dash of moving and miserable art, a dollop of chainsaw wielding Asian porn horror, a splodge of historical swashbuckling and violence, and a healthy splattering of space blasters and epic galactic adventure.

It’s just bit scary that Amazon knows this. Get out of my mind!

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Cyborg controlled by rat brain

Robot revolution

Continuing with my ‘robots will take over the world’ theme, here is something even cooler and scarier than the Aggressive Quadrotor I wrote about recently. It is a robot controlled by a rat brain. Which is pretty awesome unless you’re a rat. Presumably the robot currently heads for the nearest bin and hangs out there. Like in the Simpsons when Mr Burns puts Homer’s brain in a giant robot and all it does is eat doughnuts and nap.

I now have a dilemma about what to do when I die a couple of hundred years from now. I was going to get frozen and then reawakened when they have the technology to make me live forever and all the women wear nothing but spandex. Now I’m toying with being Robocop. Unlike Robocop though, I’d like my private parts to still work or there isn’t much point in survivng.

So without further ado, here is a very cool video of ‘Ratbot’. They should have had a clear perspex dome so you can see the brain but I’m just being picky. Maybe in Ratbot 2.0

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The Pope is in the UK and is worried about our holidays

The pope is finally here! God bless us every one! As you may have guessed from reading this site, I’m not particularly religious. I have nothing against those who are (although I think you’re wrong), I just don’t like it when I have to pay for other’s beliefs (As I have written elsewhere.). Officially the pope’s visit is a state visit but this is hardly like a visit from the a foreign president. The Vatican is a city state and to be a citizen you have to work for the church. 74% of the citizenship is clergy, the rest are Swiss guards and so on. It’s not a normal country we can hopefully increase trade with or anything beneficial like that.

But he’s here, I’ve paid and it’s done. Traffic disruptions aside, why should I care anymore? Once he’s gone past on his popemobile, and things return to normal, the impact on me will be none.

All that will be left will be my memory of finding some of the comments and opinions both humerous and worrying. This is a man who speaks to third world countries and tells them using condoms is a sin. Mind you, one of his minions thought Britain was a third world country, so he must be pleased that we have the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe. It’s a shame most aren’t married, but it’s a start. This and all the kid-fiddling that has been covered up are the worrying bits.

The funnier aspects of his pronunciations are his alarm over things like the marginalisation of religion. People still believe in all sorts of ridiculous things – healing crystals, ghosts, moon landing conspiracies, mediums, homeopathy, UFOs, alien abduction, psychics, the loch ness monster, and tons more. There are also lots more religions that are relatively new to the West. What he means is the reduction in his particular branch of those who worship the one true god. The same god that’s worshipped by Jews, Protestants, Muslims, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and the rest but in slightly different ways.

He has specifically mentioned those who have voiced opinions about not celebrating Christian holidays. ‘I cannot but voice my concern at the increasing marginalisation of religion, particularly of Christianity,’ he has said. (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/841305-pope-fears-religion-is-being-marginalised). He skirts around the fact that this has largely been because people don’t want to offend other religions, as opposed to an increase in atheism. I have to agree with him on this though. People should be able to celebrate what they want. I love Santa and the Easter Bunny. It just feels a bit weird to have the Church speak against suppressing other religions.

I think it is too late. When most people think of Christmas, they think of this:

Traditional Christmas

Or in my case this:

Sexy Santa

Now let me just state that I have nothing against religion. I have lived in a lot of places and have numerous friends from various faiths. We all respect each other’s views. To some extent anyway. I just don’t like it when religions behave in dumb ways or say stupid things and I consequently read about it. I like living in multi-cultural societies just as long as no one clings to ideas that are massively outdated and are actually harmful.

Basically my point is this Mr Pope your worshipfulness. Say what you like about God and angels and harps and demons and pitchforks and singed pubic hair and so on – that’s fine with me. Tell a country that is in the middle of an AIDS epidemic not to wear condoms, then I am forced to disagree. Converting people and then persuading them to breed is not the answer any more. Just be sensible. I know that the majority of Catholics agree with me, they’ve said so in the papers and on forums. Use the internet and advertising and viral videos to reach new converts – they are much more effective and millions needn’t catch STDs.

As for Christmas and Easter holidays. I’m afraid the pagans have taken them back.

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Kick-Ass review

Kick-Ass the movie

Yes, this is a review of the film Kick-ass. Although it is, what with this being my writing, an actual ass kicker of a review.

I’d been meaning to watch this film for ages as it poses a question I have often asked myself. ‘Why aren’t there any masked superheroes?’ Surely some martial art obsessed, do-good, eccentric, nutcase would have tried it by now. You read the odd story but nothing I would describe as cool.

The film follows a geeky teen called Dave Lizewski, who tries to answer this question. He gets a green wetsuit and becomes a character known as ‘Kick-Ass’. His first time out he gets the shit kicked out him and is then run over. He keeps plugging away it at and comes to the attention of two successful but unknown masked crime-fighters. Who are hard as hell. They set out to take down a gangster and mete out some righteous justice.

One thing that surprised me in this film was just how violent it was. Which is obviously a happy discovery for someone with a cinematic bloodlust such as myself. Legs get lopped and bullets blast through heads. If you are easily offended and don’t like bad language or blood, I politely suggest you fuck off and watch some other movie. Actually it isn’t that bad at all, I just wanted to swear and use some mild alliteration.

The highlights are Nicholas Cage and his young daughter played by Cloe Moretz – who are Big Daddy and Hit Girl. There’s also good music, a hot chick, lots of humour. And fights. If that doesn’t sound good to you, then you are probably more grown up than me. Check out ‘A Single Man’.

I was genuinely surprised how much I enjoyed this film. It’s funny, violent and enjoys lots of references to geeky things like, predictably, comics.

Imagine a more fun version of Watchmen. Well worth watching.

Here’s the trailer:

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Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

I’m a huge Terry Pratchett fan and have been since I saw The Colour of Magic for sale when I was about 11 and bought it because of the cover. I’m not a fan of football however, so I was a bit concerned about this latest offering.

I need not have worried, for as it states on the back: ‘The thing about football – the important thing about football -is that it is not just about football.‘ This book is not just about football. In fact, the only real football match in the book occurs right at the end and by that point you are so wrapped up in the characters, plot, and sub-plot, that you are actually looking forward to the match just to see what happens. A bit like Escape to Victory. But without Stallone and likeable people (and others).

The principle protagonists are a mysterious but highly intelligent goblin called Nutt, a jack-the-lad son of a footballer called Trev Likely, a hot but dim supermodel type called Juliet, a strong willed lady-chef called Glenda, and loads of wizards. Plus an ape.

It turns out that the Unseen University (where the wizards go) must play a game of football every twenty years or they lose a ton of funding from a vaguely eccentric dead benefactor. So that’s the plot.

As with most of Pratchett’s books, the plot is there to drive the story along but the main thing that keeps you glued to the pages are the numerous sub-plots and characters. Nutt undergoes a change and you learn more about him as he learns himself. Trev promised his mum not to play football but you kind of know he’s going to. How will things work out between Trev and Juliet? Is Juliet going to follow her dream of being a model – even if it means wearing a fake beard and pretending to be a female dwarf? And so on. Distinct and unique likeable characters are a forte of Pratchett’s and he certainly doesn’t disappoint here.

The wizards feature heavily in this book and that is always a good thing. Even if you haven’t read a discworld book before you’ll like them. If you are a regular reader, you’ll know what to expect. Rincewind, the luggage, and the librarian appear too (just as cameos), as you can see on the cover. If you are a fan, you also really get a sense of the city developing – with the clacks, the post, the bank, newspapers and so on. If you aren’t, then it really doesn’t matter – welcome to Ankh Morpork: a fully realized and living city (clearly based on London). Enjoy.

It’s difficult to grade Pratchett’s books as, like Douglas Adams, they are in a league of their own (no pun intended here). If you look on Amazon, nearly all his books are 4-5 stars. Which doesn’t help if you are new to Pratchett and want to read a better one. This book is great. Not up there with his top 5% perhaps – Guards! Guards!, Mort, Feet of Clay, being some personal favorites – but just below that. Better than most but not the very best. If that helps.

If you are new to Pratchett – enjoy, this book is a treat and you have sooo many more ahead of you. If you’re an old hand – just enjoy, this is one of his better ones.

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And Another Thing… by Eoin Colfer

And Another Thing... by Eoin Colfer

And Another Thing... by Eoin Colfer

Let me state this first: I am a massive Hitchhiker fan. Not to the point where it becomes sad-loner going to a convention level, but damn close – I’ll probably take my wife. I first read the initial trilogy when I ten and Life, the Universe and everything had just been published. I immediately wanted to become a writer and started to write my first ever novel right then. I still have it at my parents house.

I have since read everything Douglas Adams has written. Several times.

So when I first heard that a new Hitchhiker book was being written I was initially excited. Then I thought about it and started to worry. How would someone go about this? Try and mimic Adams exactly? Surely that wouldn’t work, as he had such a unique voice. Try their own style? Too distinct and it would hardly be book six, more an adventure ‘in the world of Hitchhikers’. I was concerned.

Unbelievably, in my humble opinion, Eoin Colfer somehow managed to get it pretty spot on. It feels like a continuation of the series but is clearly not written by Adams.

The characters are well done and are the people (and aliens) we all know and love. Arthur Dent, with his quintessential English-ness and obsession with tea and baths, was pretty much modeled on Adams himself. Colfer wisely moves him from the centre of attention. Most of the main protagonists seem to share the limelight fairly equally with perhaps Zaphod Beeblebrox edging slightly ahead. Which is never a bad thing. The original trilogy didn’t really flesh out the characters much and it never really felt all that necessary. The latter two had a bit more characterization but not as much as this.

The original books were more about character types progressing through a series of adventures and ideas. This is more about the characters. Fortunately they are all familiar and enjoyable characters. In addition to the usual cast of Arthur, Ford, Trillian, we have Random Dent (who first appeared in Mostly Harmless), Thor (yes the god who appeared in The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul and Norse mythology), Wowbagger the infinitely prolonged (that guy who accidentally became immortal and is now trying to insult the universe in alphabetical order), and a load more. They are all good.

It is here that I noticed the biggest difference. Colfer spends a lot more time on the characters and description of places than Adams ever did. Consequently the pace feels slower. Mr Colfer is a great writer so this never feels too detrimental to the book but you get the feeling that if Douglas Adams had written the same sequence of events it would have comprised about half the number of pages with no loss.

Another difference is that the original felt a lot more philosophical. It had a lot more epic ideas dealing with, for example, life the universe and everything. The scope felt bigger somehow. And Another Thing… follows a lot more of a linear narrative without so many of the huge ideas tackled in the originals. Taken as an episode, this doesn’t matter all that much, it just felt different.

The book is thankfully, very funny. There are some genuinely laugh out loud moments and by that I mean I actually laughed out loud – as opposed to an internet buffoon in a forum typing LOL each they come across something mildly amusing. As I stated above, Mr Colfer is a great writer and fortunately, he is also a funny one. The little asides as the ‘Guide’ interrupts the narratives are there although at times they veer dangerously close to being slightly formulaic and this was never the case with the original. They never quite cross that line though, and are generally amusing and add to the novel.

So was I disappointed? No. Not at all. This is a superb book. Not as good as the originals, but I guess I was always going to say that. As an episode of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy it works well. It is just a bit different. The difference is that between an awesomely funny philosopher/sci-fi writer (Adams) and a more modern but almost as funny sci-fi writer. It is not quite as good or far reaching as the originals but it is certainly a welcome addition to the series. The title is apt. Highly recommended.

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