Swine Flu is coming and we are doomed!

In my last entry I claimed that I was bored with everything being related to the credit crunch and the economy. I hoped something more interesting would happen. I then caught a cold and while flopping pathetically on the couch and lamenting my illness, my girlfriend (reading the paper) said that maybe I had swine flu. I had vaguely heard something about this upcoming epidemic but only in a mentioned-somewhere-by-someone kind of way.

Now, apparently we are all doomed. In Watchmen they have a clock that counts to doomsday and now, frighteningly similarly, WHO has raised its threat level from four to five. This is out of six! That’s the same as one minute to midnight on the doomsday clock. The papers are making out like swine flu is The Plague II. It’s hardly been 28 days later so far. According to the papers there have only been 2 deaths outside of Mexico and while any death is sad and a tragedy for those involved, more people die each month in humorous bathroom related accidents.

Obviously, I hope more don’t die and the flu doesn’t sweep across the globe like veangeful deity that’s had enough, but I am starting to suspect that this may have been slightly hyped by the press. Hard though that may be to believe. I’m not alone in this. People can’t help remembering how SARS and the bird flu was going to decimate us a few years ago. Then there was the whole foot and mouth thing, which sucked if you were livestock but didn’t actually affect as many people as warranted by the panic instigated by the press. The only way I was affected was that, bizarrely, I was forbidden to bring Dutch cheese from Holland into Britain. Never quite worked out why.

Speaking of the Dutch, (brilliant segway there,) I read that the Dutch police have ordered a load of flying cars. They are rotor-based apparently but it is still pretty cool. Obviously hover cars would be better and jet-packs the ideal but I mustn’t grumble. It will help them catch people doing suspicious things in coffee shops. Like evil people who put tobacco in their spliffs. This is mental but true – you can still sit in an Amsterdam cafe and smoke a joint but you aren’t allowed to put tobacco in it. Imagine relaxing there happily stoned out of your mind, when a police car drops from the sky and a couple of coppers rush over and check that you are smoking pure weed. What if you were rebellious and had secretly put in a tiny bit of tobacco to help it burn better? It would freak you out. Still, at least you could smoke a ton more weed, drink a shitload of beer and then go and sleep with a hooker until you calmed down. As long as you don’t have any evil nicotine. It would keep your mind off the swine flu as well.

One thought on “Swine Flu is coming and we are doomed!

  1. Pingback: Be afraid! Please… - The Word of Ward

Comments are closed.