Spam

Spam! Spam! Spam!

Spam! Spam! Spam!

I’m not going to talk about delicious Spiced Ham in a Can. Nor am I going to talk about the Monty Python sketch where a load of vikings are in a cafe chanting ‘Spam, spam, spam, spam, spamedy spam’ (etc). I’m talking about the internet pricks who offer you ways to lengthen your, er, prick. Or harden it. Or meet girls who might be interested in the result. Or any of the other pointless lies that get sent to you via email.

I have been fairly free of spam thanks to the wonders of gmail that seems almost psychic in its filtering abilities. Then I started this site. I spend a lot of time playing games and reading books and thought it would be nice to share my opinion of them as a service to my fellow humans. Plus it makes all the time I spend on the couch seem slightly more worthwhile. I also live in a big city and drink a lot of coffee, so thought I might as well vent occasionally.

Then I started getting inundated with bastard spam. Curiously, very little of it goes to the site’s email. Most of it goes to the comments section and it is beginning to annoy me. Usually it is in two forms: a comment saying ‘Like your blog’ or ‘that was interesting’; or a joke that would shame a Christmas cracker. Then a link to a Viagra site.

At first I took delight in going to these sites and writing incredibly abusive emails, but this has grown dull. I’m seriously toying with disabling the comments bit. This site, I’m proud to say, has been attracting almost double the readership each month it has been going. Last month 1500 people viewed it and the number rises daily. I thank you for that. Spam has kept in line with this figure however. Sadly in this modern world, spamming can be done anonymously. Or at least fairly anonymously. What can be done about these bastards who daily piss off the planet?

Ok maybe too drastic. How about a swan? I hate swans.

Ok maybe too drastic. How about a swan? I hate swans.

If you’re hoping I will provide an answer – sorry I can’t. I liked the end of the Jay and Silent Bob movie where they visit each of their internet critics and beat them up but that would sadly be difficult to do. I also don’t want to be seen condoning violence.

I don’t what’s wrong with naming and shaming them. Police can catch all sorts of other scumbags on the internet so why not spammers? I know that naming and shaming can lead to ugly scenes where, as sadly happened, morons who can’t spell attacked a pediatrician but they were probably off their tits on cheap medication. Spam is a pleasingly short word that can’t possibly lead to confusion – even among illiterate knuckle-dragging reactionaries.

Stress is the number one killer in the West and spam contributes to this. The government should compile all the known spam offenders, accidentally leave the list on a train and then deny everything. If you discover you live near a known spammer then you should post all your junk mail through their letter-box. If you go on holiday to a third world country, buy loads of cheap panadol and try and flog it to them at a massive mark-up whenever you pass their house. Try and get their phone number and call them up all day and ask them who provides their internet.

It could bring communities together.

Or put them in stocks and lob actual spam at them in a cruel-and-unusual punishment-fits-the-crime kind of a way.

It’s also possible that all the caffeine in my system will left by tomorrow and I awaken calmer, baffled as to why I got so pissed off over something so trivial. Then I will log in and see all the spam directed at this post. Which would almost be amusing.

They're giving this wonderful product a bad name. Look at what it can do!

They're giving this wonderful product a bad name. Look at what it can do!

Pin It