The Word of Ward

Pretty topical stuff here at the wordofword. Fairly surprising too, if you knew me. Generally speaking, I couldn’t give the tiniest shit about football. Especially the premiership where individual games cease to matter and it is all about ‘doing pretty well over a year’. I just don’t want to invest an hour and a half of my life on something that might end up nil-nil. Plus I can’t be bothered to pin my emotions onto something I have absolutely no control over for extended periods of time. A team can change its players/management/grounds and you are still supposed to care. Well I bloody don’t.

Except the World Cup. I like world cups – be they football or rugby or cricket or women’s beach volleyball. They are exciting and rare and there has to be an outcome.

I even feel part of the footie humour. Although the main joke going around is based on history and I am very passionate about history. I first heard this two days ago, which by internet standards makes it incredibly old. First I heard it on text, then twitter, then facebook, then email, and blah blah.

“The World Cup is turning out to be like World War Two. The French are out early, the Americans have turned up at the last minute, and we’re left to fight the Germans.” Hilarious isn’t it? Actually I thought it was mildly amusing the first time.

You have to feel sorry for the French. Well, not really but you can pretend. I could empathise when Captain Thierry Henry was summoned before President Sarkozy to explain why things went so badly. I had to do that at school all the time. Except the whole country didn’t know about it. It was probably blamed on the company he keeps in Gillette commercials – that Tiger Woods is always shagging around (allegedly) and even the usually flawless Federer had a match point against him at Wimbledon. The three of them clearly need separating. It is all a bit weird though.

Anyway. Football. Us versus the Germans. I always predict we’ll limp through the early rounds then get knocked out by Germany on penalties. I’m hoping that by writing this down, that won’t happen. Let’s see. If it works then this website will be little more than a list of predictions, none of which I really want to come true. (I predict Jessica Alba will be fully clothed on TV this year, sort of thing.)

I may be wrong about fans having an influence on the outcome of football. I say that as a cunning link to a load of gratuitous pictures I found enjoyable 4 years ago on the topic of why England didn’t win the World Cup in 2006. Sorry if it is a bit misogynous but we’re discussing sport yeah?

AND NOW THE VISUAL PUNCHLINE

Well, that’s me done talking about football for a while. I’ll write another post on it in four years. By then, I’ll probably have minions, but I promise one of the better ones will write it.

Thanks to http://treebeard31.wordpress.com for the pictures.

It’s been E3 recently. If you are unaware of what E3 is, you should have less of a life and embrace the beauty of gadgetry and gaming. It’s a huge Electronic Entertainment Expo (three Es get it?) in LA that attracts the likes of Paris Hilton, Redman, the god-like Stan Lee, and the still Vulcan-like Leonard Nimoy. If you think you are cooler than them, you are wrong. I’m not actually going to write about E3 (unless I get an invite to next year’s event) but will look at what new gizmos they revealed. This is the Expo where they do that kind of thing. You know, the geek on stage and the screaming nerds bellowing applause at every utterance. Like when Apple bring something out and people in the audience seem to have a mass sycophantic orgasm. Watch a video of one and see the over-reaction. It’s a bit spooky.

I work in TV and right now it is all about 3D. The new transmission suites I have seen have surround sound – something like 15.1 (15 speakers) it’s like being in an amphitheatre – and they have 3D. With the specs. When people in suits come to have a look it’s like a Roy Orbison convention.

At E3 the future all seems to be about leaping around your living room like an eager pillock having a happy spasm. This is all thanks to motion sensor stuff. Like with the Wii. Which is crap in my opinion. Sure it can be fun, for a bit, if you aren’t really appreciative of what modern games can be like. Games are evolving to the point where it is like an interactive movie with genuine characterization and plot twists. They are really coming to the fore as an alternative entertainment to sitting on your arse watching TV shows. The problem with all this motion stuff is that the games are rarely any good for more than 15 minutes and are purely on the market to meet the desires of families. Virtual tennis, virtual bowling, virtual baseball. These are all things you can quite easily do for real and are more fun in real life. I saw a game where you are throwing a virtual frisbee for fuck’s sake. If these aren’t banal enough, you get get some utterly lame attachments. Like a virtual knife that doesn’t actually cut food while you virtually cook.

You rarely get to shoot a zombie in the head in real life, or drive a Ferrari through a crowded city at 150mph, or land on an alien planet, or whatever. This is what games should be! Escapist fun.

On the plus side, malcoordinated fools are having funny injuries thanks to the Wii:

This is a trend that is set to continue. Playstation are bringing out the Playstation move, which looks a bit like a dildo blowing a bubble.

The big buzz at the moment is the new Xbox Kinect. The name is presumably a mix of connect and kinetic. Wow… clever. It looks pretty cool and maps your entire body in the way you see in movie effects when they make an actor dress in a bodysuit covered in ping-pong balls in front of a blue/green screen. This could make for some pretty great fighting games but I still suspect they’ll be pretty shit. Most games will be running or pointing or something.

A few years ago I had the Playstation Eye. It was similar to the kinetic in that it mapped your body. You could pop virtual balloons and crap like that. Fun for a short while but then you want to sit back on the couch and kill hordes of enemies or creep terrified through a haunted space station, the way God intended.

This new technology, coupled with 3D, might be a bit more fun. I still remain doubtful however. It will obviously get better and better as the technology progresses but right now its in it’s gawky nerd teenage phase. Literally, when you see people in the unfashionable glasses flailing around with no semblance of coordination. When it becomes more advanced with groin attachments or improved 3D with no glasses, we’ll be rapidly approaching adulthood.

Then my friends, it will be holo-suites or a brain attachment that makes the experience indistinguishable from real life. That will be the future of games. This might turn gamers who don’t have much of a life into gamers with no real life at all. I suspect they won’t care.

So another nutjob has gone mental and killed a load of innocent people because of their massive inadequacies. This time it isn’t some whingeing goth teen or surviva-mental-ist, it’s a podgy middle aged cabbie. I’m not going to write much about this because absolutely everything that can be said already has been – a million times. The story of some inadequate going mental is not a new one but seems to be increasing over the last decade or so and it could be argued that it is being fuelled by the media. These lunatics are sad types and when they see the amount of publicity someone going psycho seems to get in the press, it may seem appealing.

A huge chunk of blame can be placed on the media and it is going to keep happening. If more people watched the following clip from Charlie Brooker’s brilliant newswipe, then more people might agree. It won’t make any difference to media coverage but when you watch it and see what is happening in the news right now, it should at least give you pause for thought. And pausing for thought is a good thing.

What with the economy being broken and credit crunching and blah blah tedium, more people are having what has annoyingly being termed a ’staycation’. We thought we’d give one a go. I’ve always wanted to go to St Ives and Cornwall in general. It was also my wife’s birthday. I knew there was both art and pubs there, so we’d both be happy.

The trip from London to St Erth (where we were supposed to change trains) took five and a half hours. Which is a bloody long time for a train. It’s still better than a motorway though ,as you get to see lots of places and lovely countryside and can go to the toilet without having to stop. Bring a book. And a laptop with movies. And an mp3 player.

I thought that St Erth might be a large interchange station but it wasn’t. It was tiny. What was also tiny was the single carriage train that arrived to take us to St Ives. Quaint or cute would be apt words here. We all boarded and acted like excited school kids on a trip to the seaside in Victorian Britain. We also got to see the lovely Carbis Bay and some other appealing places en route.

Finally, after a quarter of an hour, our quirky little train arrived.

When you first get off the train and walk down the road a little bit, you get your first proper look at St Ives. And my word, is it pretty. Although it started as a genuine fishing village, it could easily have been designed just to look picturesque and appeal to stupid gawking tourists from places like London. Which is good for St Ives as our fishing industry has been screwed.

As we walked down the high street on the way to the waterfront and our apartment, we gawked at all the art galleries and cafes and restaurants. It seemed like an ideal place to chill out for a week. The two busiest streets are the waterfront, called the Wharf Road, and a cobbled street that runs parallel to this just a bit inland, called Fore street. Which happily was where we were staying. Here’s a handy map so I don’t have to get all descriptive.

We found our apartment, which I was happy to note was practically opposite two pubs. We walked in and got a glimpse of the view. We were supposed to have views of the bay but I was not expecting it to be so bloody fantastic. Have an envious look:

It was a glorious sunny day and we thought we’d celebrate our arrival with a drink. We got to the waterfront and found a nice bar called Hub and because we were in the West Country opted for cider. A pint of Rattlesnake cider each to be precise. This proved such a good idea, we had another. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone under 6 foot 1 and under 185 pounds who doesn’t drink too much already. Or to put it another way, I felt the effects immediately but was ok. My wife felt the effects slightly more.

We soon switched to lager and G&Ts and decided we should get some food. We were tired and weren’t feeling that adventurous so went went to a place that looks like the sort of trendyish bar that can be found everywhere and was possibly part of a chain. It was called the Firehouse Bar and Grill. Surprisingly, my pizza was great and Nim’s seafood linguine was superb. Truly superb. It could have been because we were hungry and a bit drunk but who cares.

The next day we awoke refreshed and invigorated. The view was fantastic but unfortunately the weather had turned cold and grey and windy. Here is a warning to everyone: drizzle and wind are the default settings for Cornish weather. They might lay on some sun when you arrive but then they switch back to grey once you are settled in. No matter. We are hardy city folk and could take whatever was thrown at us.

As it was our first day we followed the local law and had a pasty for breakfast. I have to say I was disappointed with my first true Cornish pasty. It was exactly the same as the West Cornish pasty shops you get in major train stations in London. Fair play to the West Cornish pasty shops as they have obviously brought the genuine article to London, but it then means you have no real baked treats to look forward to when you get to the West Country itself. Which is a shame.  There now follows a brief description of places we went to in case you fancy going there yourself.

Things to do and see in St Ives.

Following the second law of St Ives, we went to Tate gallery. It’s pretty cool to have your own Tate. This one was in a really nice building but I was mildly miffed by the fact that I had to pay. Cornish people got in for free (although this may have been a promotion). Yet Cornish people can come to London and see our two Tates, which are much bigger and better, for free.  Anyway, the Tate was good and full of art. It really is a must see if you are in St Ives, even if you’re a nasty non-Cornwallian. It’s a great building but obviously not as cool as Tate Modern.

As we were on a cultural roll, we then visited the Hepworth museum which comprised of a museum, (hence the moniker,) and a beautiful garden. And they were beautiful even though we were still experiencing the aforementioned shit weather.  Barbara Hepworth was a legendary sculptress that even I had heard of. It was only after the exhibition that I realised I had seen two of her pieces of already – one on John Lewis in London, and the other outside the UN building in New York.

In fact, the gardens were so pretty Nim went back with a camera a few days later as the sun briefly appeared. Here’s the result:

Apart from through shop windows, these were the only galleries we actually visited. All the others were on the rather predictable theme of ‘Paintings of  St Ives’. Which some might argue as not being that surprising but I personally think it is a shame. Lots of artists have been attracted to St Ives over the years and artist colonies have formed there. These included people like Hepworth and Ben Nicholson and Naum Gabo. And lots of others I have barely heard of that where very successful. They found St Ives to be a place of inspiration but their work wasn’t of St Ives. This seems to have changed with the vast majority of paintings you’ll see being various different ways of representing the bay. Ad nauseam. Maybe I’m being unfair as we just looked through the windows.

Other things worth seeing or doing in the immediate hood:

Climb up the hill at the end of the peninsula between the main harbour and Porthmeor beach. Check out the views and take thousands of similar photos.

Walk down to Porthmeor beach and have a delightful walk while staring at surfers. Or you could even learn to surf here, it’s the best beach. It might be chilly though – you are still in Blighty after all.

Behind Porthmeor beach is the local cemetary which is pretty fascinating in a morbid and occasionally touching way. There are lots of moving memorials to locals lost at sea. All on a hill overlooking the ocean.

Just wander around generally going ‘Ohh’ and ‘ahh’ and generally annoy the locals by walking slowly and blocking the roads. That’s what a lot of tourists seemed to be doing anyway. Why not join them?

Or alternatively, once you’ve done the above, you could go on a lovely day trip.

There are two trips that seem popular, so like sheep we did them as well. You may have noticed if you read this website regularly that there has been the odd Cornish day-trip and restaurant review recently. It was all a cunning plan for this guide. Otherwise this entry would be truly epic. Now I can just link. I’m not just an incredibly handsome face you know.

First recommended trip:

The Eden Project near St Austell. The possible future of mankind! Massive bio-domes full of jungles and rare plants. Plus restaurants…

Second recommended trip:

Land’s End. The end of Britain! Spectacular cliffs and ocean views. If you squint really hard you can see America.

If you can’t be bothered to leave the warm drizzly heart of St Ives, then you can spend your time eating and drinking. Which is pretty awesome too.

PUBS

We’re not alcoholics and were only there for a limited time. Consequently, we only went to four pubs regularly.

The Golden Lion – seemed to be the pub with the most locals in it. All of whom were very friendly. There’s a room out the back with a pool table in as well, which is a bonus.

The Castle Inn and the Union Inn. These two pubs were practically opposite the entrance to our apartment. They are about 5 seconds walk from each other and both were great pubs. We saw live music in one and attended a real ale festival in another. I just can’t remember which one was which.

The Sloop. This pub is on the waterfront and consequently was quite busy. It has low ceilings, cute little booths, and a good fish pie.

We liked all these pubs but probably spent the most time in the Castle and Union Inns. I also chatted to both managers and they were extremely friendly.

RESTAURANTS

We went to a lot of these. You have to as a human or you die. There are some superb restaurants in St Ives and rather predictably we ate a shit-load of seafood. They can be very pricey though and you need to book ahead. If it is July or August, I suspect you should book about a year in advance. Here are the favourites, which I have already written about:

The Loft. Very nice place. Also has a roof terrace if you happen to be in St Ives on one of its rare nice days.

The Saltwater Cafe. Possibly our favourite place. Very, very small with a family feel. Book now for 2015!

The Mermaid. Charming little place with eclectic stuff all over the walls.

So there you. A St Ives guide in a finely crafted nutshell. I hope you find it useful if you go there. As staycations go, it is a great place. I would imagine it might be a bit of a nightmare mid-summer but it is ever so quaint. Buy an umbrella and give it a visit.