The Word of Ward

It’s the End of The World as we know it. Well the end of England anyway. The land part. Ok, I’ll stop, this is getting a bit tortured.

In case you didn’t know, Land’s End is at Britain’s most south westerly point. Not including islands we have in the Atlantic, obviously. If you are visiting Cornwall then Land’s End is probably on your itinerary already. So what is actually there? How should you get there?

I’ll answer the second question first. We got a bus from St Ives to Penzance and then another bus. Penzance is nothing spectacular really. It just has a name made romantic by its association with pirates. We missed all the pirates but did manage to see a Greggs bakers, a McDonalds, and a Weatherspoon pub, so if you like them you should check it out. For some reason it reminded me of Colchester except Penzance has the sea whereas Colchester has a castle. Otherwise they are the same. I apologise to both Penzance and Colchester for this comparison.

If you take the bus you can take in some lovely scenery and who doesn’t love lovely scenery? Also it was the only way to do it without a car. Fortunately this worked in our favour as we would otherwise have missed the best bit.

After about 40 minutes, our bus drove down a steep road and lo! a huge beach, cliffs, the ocean. It was truly breathtaking. Assuming we had arrived, we started to disembark when the very friendly driver stopped us. Somehow he twigged we weren’t locals and informed us that we had arrived at a place called Sennen Bay. He then informed us that we could walk from the bay to Land’s End. The beach was stunning so we got off. Photos can’t really to credit to the place but here goes. The tiny dot is a person – the beach was huge.

From Sennen Bay to Land’s End is about a mile. Or 30 minutes or so given that you are walking beside cliffs and it can be unbelievably windy. I was getting the impression that Cornwall was permanently the brunt of Atlantic winds and walking along the cliffs toward Land’s End certainly bore this theory out. I had experienced wind like this before but it had been in Hong Kong as a typhoon hit, not in England on the edge of a cliff.  My wife, who weighs almost half what I do, clung to me almost the entire way in case she was blown off.

I would highly, highly recommend getting to Land’s End by this method. Partly because once you get there you feel as if you have achieved something and seen some stunning coastline, but mostly because you will feel a bit let down otherwise – there’s not really a lot there when you arrive. There’s the usual sign you get in places like this that marks your destination, points to other places, and provides a place to have your photo taken.

Apart from this sign there is a pub/coffee shop sort of place where you can have cheesy chip and a pint. It’s nice enough but could have been a lot better. But why should it try really? It’s not going to have regulars, it’s just going to be full of wind-swept tourists who want a coffee after having had their photo taken. So it is pleasant enough.

Behind this, is a small but slightly complex. There is a shopping mall, and a couple of bizarre entertainment ‘rides’? ‘Experiences’? Whatever they are they were weird and felt out of place.

For example:

Pirates? Ok, I guess.

Ok, pirates. The sea. But Doctor Who? This complex was small so I assume these ‘whatever-they-are’ thingies are going to be pretty crap. It all just seemed a bit weird and a cheap way to cash in on tourists. ‘Ahhh,’ you might be thinking, ‘the place is probably heaving with tourists in August.’ Smug bastard that you are. If that is the case then why is the complex so small?

Also, for a tourist heavy location, there is the whole issue of the bus stop…

Assuming that there must be lots of transport to and from one of Britain’s more famous locations we were rather surprised that we couldn’t see any. We asked in the tourist office but the dumpy sack of a lady who worked there was really unhelpful and seemed to hate us. ‘There’s a bus over there,’ she waved vaguely with her pie-like hands. If you loathe outsiders, why work in a tourist office? You can probably guess I didn’t like her much. Maybe her dog had just died or something.

Eventually we found the bus stop after a bit of a walk. Like a lot of places we visited in Cornwall, it was hard to find and we had to wait ages for a bus. As a city person, I found this frustrating and annoying. Land’s End is a popular place but I guess you are supposed to drive.  There was one bus an hour. Here is a picture of it:

The bus stop is near the white house. It took five minutes to get to this point.

I’ll stop bitching. It just annoys me when lots of things are set up to get money from tourists but there’s no public transport. It was a superb day and I just thought it was a shame. Once on the bus, the journey back was a breeze.

So… to conclude.

Go to Sennen Bay and walk to Land’s End. You’ll see some gorgeous Cornish coastline, which is what you’re there for after all. It is truly a beautiful spot and the walk is a spectacular and rewarding one. You’ll get a year’s worth of healthy fresh air in a wonderful half hour. Then have a coffee. Then drive home. Enjoy.

I was a bit worried about commenting on the situation in Thailand, in particular Bangkok. Although I lived there for two years and worked as a journalist, I mainly did lifestyle pieces, interviews, and reviews. Shallow stuff to be precise.

So I got in an expert. Mrs Wordofward to be precise. Here is what she has to say on the matter:
“The class clash is a big problem in Thailand, though it’s not the problem that ignited this protest. Nonetheless, it has become an effective tool used by the protest leaders. You cannot blame people who have been promised a better life and pursue any chance they have to get this. But frankly, it’s hard to see how this protest is going to benefit the poor, rather than the specific group of people. No one can deny that the class gap is still big in Thailand and people suffer from this. Although, this problem is not easily fixed by giving villages cash, but it needs a long term solution of providing an education and opportunity. There’s no easy way out.

The clash is not a clash between the government and innocent people. There’s a violent group amongst the protestors who cause problems for people that are not involved, burning their stores and stealing things. This is the group that the government, with support from people in Bangkok, is trying to crack down on.

The real problem is too complex and is not as dramatic or romantic as the problem of ‘people against the government’ which fits the western news style in portraying a third world country.

Most Thais are now trying to restore the country. The other day, around 5000 people got together to clean Bangkok. These are people that are not on any side. They just want peace and a more effective solution toward the country’s problem. For me this group of people represent quite a big part of the whole population.”

So there you go. Hope you found it helpful. The press here has been shocking.

Well, as promised, here are some guys walking on water. Well, running to be precise. This is an awesome vid.

How cool is that? Apparently it’s a new craze that is sweeping the world as we speak. Go and try it for yourself.

It is not a clever viral marketing video at all. You just have to believe.

Now go buy some shoes.

We humans have just created life. Not in the get-drunk-can’t find-condoms-should-be-ok-9-months-of-massive-discomfort-followed-by-a-few-hours-of-agony-and-there’s-a-baby traditionalist way. That way sucks. Except the first ten minutes or so. Nope, we’ve created a blue bacterium that it’s proud parents have called Synthia. They’re scientists ok?

Yup, the team at the J. Craig Venter Institute in Rockville, Maryland has created the first man-made life form. One that could not have been created through evolution. It pretty amazing. This could be the first step in a load of new vaccines, new fuels and algae that can eat carbon dioxide and save the planet. Which seems like an astounding development. Here’s Dr Venter himself on his slightly pretentiously named boat ‘The Sorcerer II’:

He has a beard and everything. (Thanks to the Times Online for the photo.)

Of course loads of people are complaining. The typical idiotic groups. It obviously pisses off some religions as they can no longer claim that god created every living thing. Because now, assuming he exists, he hasn’t. Of course some religions are more sensible and tolerant than others and will be fine with it.

Others worry that it could be used for evil and a nasty strain of something could decimate the planet. Nature does a pretty good job of this already and thankfully science has managed to help. We already have the ability to wipe out most of the planet and somehow we still survive. I think we’ll be fine. We’re a while away before terrorists will be able to knock up some artificial life and kill us all. There’s plenty of destructive viruses they can be getting on with already. Lots of them from nature.

I think this is awesome and should be lauded. If it leads to vaccines and can reduce global warming and thereby save billions, you have to be pretty wrapped up in your own twisted morals not to like this. Granted the billions who might die aren’t likely to be your family and probably live really far away but if your faith makes you be against scientific medical improvement then your faith is a horrendous one. So there. If you are reading this, then you are on the internet using a computer that uses electricity and so on. You can’t be picky about which bits of science you like. Go live in a cave.

Anyway, it is a truism that things can’t be un-invented, so just deal with it.

On another related subjected – humans walk on water! In my next post. Honestly. It’s awesome!

I saw this in the paper and thought it was worth a brief comment because it made me laugh on the tube. A guy has been arrested for having kiddie stuff on his computer and rightly so. This is always disturbing but seems to be happening alarmingly frequently and the man should clearly have his knackers cut off.

What made the story stand out was that amongst his disturbing pictures was a photo of a man having sex with a dead squid. Which must be a pretty unique fetish with a very limited audience. According to the Metro newspaper: “He was charged with possessing an image of someone ‘performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal’.” So far, so disturbing. What made me laugh was when the charges had to be changed for legal reasons and I’d love to have been in the court when this happened. The squid anti-defamation league must have stepped in because, and I quote:

“prosecutors amended the charge when it was admitted it could have been an octopus.”

It’s always good to be precise in these matters. People are fucked up.

A man called “Man” and a boy called “Boy” walk down a road called “The Road”. Ok those aren’t literally their names, they just don’t seem to have any. On purpose. McCarthy wants the story to be about people as opposed to characters. People struggling to survive in a world that’s fucked. Everything is dead, burnt and smouldering. There is also no indication what caused this apocalypse, it is just enough to know that absolutely nothing lives. Not even fish or cockroaches as far as I could tell. This bothered me a bit because it seemed pretty impossible but again, it is about the journey and humanity and so on.

I really liked this book although I don’t think it necessarily deserved a Pulitzer. It’s not up there with The Old Man and the Sea or The Color Purple but it is really good. It stuck in my mind for several days after, which is always a good sign.

There are a few things that might bug you though. The conversation is without quote marks and is usually just a string of fairly repetitive short sentences. The fact that it is cold and ashy is a bit bludgeoned into you by dint of it being mentioned every few sentences. The man and boy are heading south to avoid another winter but why didn’t they just leave in the spring? On bicycles?

These finicky issues aside, the Road is a superb and haunting book. Whenever they meet other people, there are some genuine moments of horror (as most people have turned to cannibalism), and you see how far someone will go for someone they care about. It is at moments of strife that the real characterisation of the protagonists occurs and this is well done. These moments are fairly few and far between but that just adds to the suspense.

The book is fairly grim and bleak – as I’m sure was fully intended – and you really get sucked into this grey depressing world. Think England in February but with no people. It is ultimately about redemption and the nature of humanity when everything else has been stripped away. Turns out humanity sucks.

As I said, I liked it. It is best read in a single sitting or two, which is easily done, to allow yourself to get fully drawn in. The descriptions are vivid and the story and images will lurk in your subconscious like the memories of a grim walk on a cold and cloudy day in Slough for days afterward. Definitely worth a read. Unless you are a depressive.

If you are a puerile and easily amused politician (like I’d be), then you’ll probably be happy to be in the current situation and being in a ‘hung parliament’. I’d always suspected that the lack of ‘being hung’ was what drove someone to want the admiration needed to be elected in the first place.  Being without a government and leadership and direction and all that cliche shite we are supposed to need, should send the average person into a mild directionless panic. Except that it hasn’t and doesn’t. The police and firemen and hospitals and street sweepers and TV transmission controllers and so on are still working. Society still functions.

Let’s not forget that Parliament gets a month off work for Christmas, another 3 weeks for Easter, 2 weeks for half term in February, almost 3 months for summer AND, this is amazing, almost 2 weeks for Whitsun. A holiday I had barely heard of until I looked it up to write this. Whitsun is the latter half of May in case you were unaware of this holiday you probably don’t get time off for. My point is that we seem to be able to survive without a government for a while, which is fortunate.

I mentioned in my previous post that we seem to be heading for a hung parliament and apparently this will lead to proportional representation. That is what everyone said. Except that doesn’t seem to be the case. What’s happening is deals between the Lib-Dems and whomever they choose to make the rulers of Britain. This is bollocks in my massively un-humble opinion. People didn’t vote for the Lib Dems because they wanted the Tories or Labour in power. They didn’t expect the Lib Dems to get into power either to be fair, they were probably just making a point. Even so, the system is wrong.

The Liberal Democrats are now in talks with the Conservatives. Surely a liberal conservative is an oxymoron. They are supposed to be left wing aren’t they? Why not have Labour teaming up with the BNP? It’s just wrong. All this sameness in policy and political leaning is what is causing lethargy among voters and hung parliaments in the first place. Be left or right. Not a mix. Make a choice. It’s all just crap.

Anyway, I don’t care. Nothing much will change and no matter who gets in power – people will be whingeing within six months about policies. I hate politics and will focus more on stupid yet humorous things from now on. I just thought I’d mention my opinions as I had written about it before.

I’m going to avoid tax and live happily with my immigrant wife as before. Balls to democracy! Yaaaah boooh to it all.

I find politics about as interesting as I find accounting or different species of slug or anything to do with finance. I know I should care more as democracy is a wonderful thing and people died so that I can have the vote. Can’t think who exactly, but it’s a common expression so it must be true. Guy Fawkes maybe? Anyway, we should all vote. The fact that democracy doesn’t really work and has so many flaws it’s laughable, doesn’t alter the fact that it is the best thing we humans can come up with. Beneficial dictatorship is actually the best but until we invent longevity drugs the whole leader-dying-and-having-a-pillock-taking-over always rears its ugly head. Plus you could end up with a sanitized slightly fascist state like Singapore where you can’t chew gum and kids are caned if they graffitti. Although I have to admit I’m actually all for those two rules.

So it’s election day. I’m pretty damned excited! No more fucking letters or MPs coming round my house. Because I live in a wealthy area the politicians have been hassling myself and my neighbours incessantly. Presumably because we are all terrified about tax rates and the fact we might have to pay more. I’ve had letters almost daily for last two weeks. They clearly hate trees.

Usually it's just the two.

Traditionally we have two parties to choose from that might get into power. The highly annoying Labour and the highly annoying Tories.  Tradition has it that we vote one party in, they stay there for years, then a new generation of voters come in and think that the other party will make everything better and vote them in. It’s now the Tories’ turn. Except that doesn’t seem to be the case. Labour have clearly fucked everything up. The economy crashed, they sold all our gold, they went into a war that no one agrees with except the Bush family, oil producers, and weapons dealers, and tons and tons more. Even so, people are still wary of voting for the Tories. That is quite a feat! More people are going to vote for the Lib Dems just because there’s not a lot else to do. Well, racists have the BNP, but apart from their blinkered ‘hate immigrants because they have caused all our woes and things were better when we were … ummm, pre-Celtish pagans? Angles? Anglo-Saxons under Norman rule? Er…’ view, there’s not much choice. (Britain has been populated by immigrants since the dawn of mankind for Christ’s sake, at least they no longer rape and pillage.)

So we are now facing a hung parliament. What does that mean? I hear you asking. I heard myself asking it too. If you ask anyone they will probably say that it leads to ‘proportional representation’ in in a wise and slightly condensing tone. If, like me, you have no idea what that is either and continue your questions, then people tend get a bit vague. Some say it is bad, others good. It will mean more debate about issues and not dickhead knee-jerk reactions like Labour just did with the ridiculous new internet download laws. On the hand hand there will be less focus when it comes to steering our economy. Apparently.

It’s all very tedious and I can’t believe I have written this much about something I know and care so little about. Here’s a cynical prediction – not much will change. People will whinge. The press will satirise and appeal to their readers. Look at a newspaper front page from a 100 years ago. (Look one up, any one.) It is almost identical to now. (Obviously I’m not including the Star in this.) Complaints about immigration and being stricter on youths and worries about drunkenness and wars and budgets and so on.

I read that out of the top 16 A rated secure economies in the world 10 are coalition governments. Like we might be about to get. Don’t know what an A rated economy is exactly but they sound good. Germany is one and has a coalition government and Greece doesn’t and isn’t. Is that proof? Fuck knows.

Do I have a point in this post? Not really. Just go and vote for someone. One of these:

Brown. If I was puerile I could mock the name alone.

Cameron? Really? Will he be better or just a bit different?

Clegg. Winning votes by the sartorially astute.

Well, that is all I have to say on the election. Which, if you analyse all I have written is both insightful yet devoid of any meaning or concrete opinion of any kind. Or is it? I can’t decide. On anything. I’m going to bed.

I’ve been wanting to go to the Eden Project for years just because of some awesome looking photos I saw on the internet. If you don’t know what this project is, you should read more about it. It’s brilliant. Massive bio-domes in an old clay quarry in Cornwall. It’s being done as an experiment with funding from the National Lottery so I felt like I already owned a bit of it. As far as I can tell, the experiment is to see if it can actually be done. Turns out – it can. I love when people get together and try to do something just out of a desire for knowledge and to see what can be achieved. It makes me feel good about humanity for a change.

To get there, you need to take a train to St Austell. From there you will hopefully find a shuttle bus waiting that will take you to the project. Sadly it is just a bus not a large replica moon buggy as I’d secretly been hoping. To get in you have to pay £16, plus the bus, plus the train and then back again. I’d recommend getting a return ticket to the project including all travel. You’ll save a fortune and don’t have to queue anywhere. I’m not designed to queue as I’m far too self important.

Once you get off the bus you’ll find yourself in a car park. It will be named after a piece of fruit just to remind you damned eco-friendly everything is. As you walk down to the project, you will get an occasional glimpse of the project. It was around this point that I started to get quite excited.

The first glimpses...

We walked down the hill and found ourselves at the entrance building. There’s a huge shop selling lots of Eden Project merchandise and eco stuff and hippy things like herbal teas and seeds. There’s also a cafe and the main entrance where you’ll need to show your ticket. Then you are through. Looking across a small nicely manicured valley at the two main domes. They are unbelievably cool, like something out of a science fiction movie circa 1970.

How cool is this?

We walked down the hill through the predictablypleasant gardens. There was one building that was shut as it was going through a transformation from an ice rink to a display area for weird plants which was a shame as I would have enjoyed either of them. Or both together – skating through huge man-eating plants would be exciting. It also doubles as a stage and they have held numerous gigs and parties here which must be pretty incredible. If you feel like you are walking through a sci-fi set from from the past, there are certain random things that might add to this. Giant mutant bees for example…

I would have included some robotic triffids, but that’s just me. As you get closer to the domes the scale of the things really starts to impress. Look at the little people!

Bio domes

As you can see each biosphere comprises of three domes stuck together. (Or is it that each bio-dome consists of three spheres stuck together?) There are two huge biospheres in total and they are linked by a building that has restaurants and toilets and so on. The biggest biosphere is the tropical one. It was a cold and windy Cornish day so we eagerly headed for the tropical zone. My wife and I were both born in the tropics and we missed being uncomfortably hot and clammy. On entering the dome it was pleasantly warm and full of people taking off jackets and doing minor wardrobe adjustments. There is a recreation of an old fashioned steamboat hull surrounded by old crates. As if you are a landing party on some African shore in the early 1900s or so. Which is a pretty nice touch. They should have gone one step further and hired a Tarzan look-a-like to swing through the trees but you can’t have everything.

Steamship in the jungle

Then you see the interior of the dome. It is immense. I started to wonder which bit I would live in if society suddenly crumbled outside and we were all stuck in the dome for the next decade.

It is even bigger when you are there

There was a path that wound up through the jungle. Dotted around were added things of interest – unique or weird plants with accompanying explanations, a Malaysian long-hut, a small clearing in an African village, tribal wall murals, random gardeners talking and displaying unique items such as the world’s biggest seed from the Seychelles. Happily, the seed is also quite rudely shaped which is always fun when it comes to seeds and fruit. Apparently this seed is remarkably tasty and nutritious but the killjoys wouldn’t let us sample it because of rarity or something. They could have faked it and we’d be none the wiser. Fill a mould with creme caramel and melon or something. I do realise that it is these thoughts that would ensure me never getting a job anywhere serious, but it would be more fun.

Nim and the world's largest arse shaped seed

A Malaysian long-hut

Cool murals

After all this excitement you barely notice that you have been travelling gradually upwards. It soon becomes apparent however, when you notice the levels of sweat dribbling down your arse. By the time you get to the top it is 35 Celsius and unbelievably humid. It was like being in Bangkok in the summer but without there being a chilled beer in an air-conditioned bar in easy reach. Which is a shame as having a bar there would have been fucking brilliant.

Nim looking hungrily at lemongrass.

The view from the top

The descent is quicker than the ascent and you are soon back at the start. There are lots of other things to see that I haven’t mentioned here – such as unique plants, colourful flowers, and lots of educational things like the history of rubber or where coffee comes from. I just don’t want to ruin it all for you. Plus I can’t be bothered. We decided to cut through the restaurant area and go straight to the Mediterranean bio-dome. This was a pleasant place and a bit like being in the Med. Which isn’t a surprise I guess. The temperature was quite pleasant – like spring in Spain. It wasn’t as huge or impressive as the main tropical dome but it was well done. Lots of pretty flowers and all that crap. Here are some now:

Enough? Ok good. Actually my favourite bit was an area that had been filled with an artistic statue recreation of beings worshipping Bacchus, the Greek god of fertility and wine. Surely one of the sweetest jobs if you happen to be a god. These photos are better than flowers:

Bring on the booze and rumpy pumpy!

He’s also the god of rabbit heads on sticks apparently:

Rabbit skulls on poles. Ahhh the Med!

How cool is this god? I may be an atheist but if I was to pick a fictional deity with magic powers to blindly worship, then Bacchus is the one I’d go for. Why pick one that smites you all the time? Why choose an afterlife where you have to sing hymns and live according to stringent rules? Let’s face it, there will be no drink and drug fuelled orgies in any normal heaven. None. I’m not saying every night but you’re there for eternity God’s sake, it will get boring without hedonism. Anyway, I digress.

The Mediterranean dome was nice and pleasant after the heat of the tropical zone. I highly recommend doing it in that order.

By this point we were starving. As we walked back into the area between the zones and the aforementioned restaurants, we saw that there was a Mediterranean kitchen near us. Brilliant idea, I thought. They must have Mediterranean food this end and ‘tropical food’ at the other. We eagerly hurried to the restaurant adjacent to the tropic zone hoping for a Thai curry or fried Amazonian piranhas or something. Washed down with some delightful African elephant juice or Papa New Guinea punch.  But no. It was Cornish pasties and sandwiches and bottles of coke. Which was a shame.

After a traditional Mediterranean dish of pepperoni pizza and Peroni beer, we left the main domes and headed for the final building. It was full of kids and displays and information about the project. On the ground floor there was loads of activities and displays and stuff. It was pretty interesting but the kids started to annoy me. Bless them and all that but fuck they are noisy. There was also an art gallery by an artist commissioned to paint the project from its infancy. Which was pretty good, if a little pricey.

The were two things I was impressed by in this final bit. One was a huge machine, like something you’d find in a Victorian factory that was massive and child-labour intensive and made pipe cleaners. It had a handle that you could wind and make it all work and judging by the kids eagerly waiting their turn – still used child labour. Fortunately, at 37 and 6 foot 1, I was bigger than they were and was able to push them aside and have a go. It was pretty interesting to see it all in action. Here’s yet another photo:

Big machine

The second good thing was a video that showed how they decided to build a gigantic stone seed to symbolise the birth of the project. They searched for two years to find a massive chunk of stone. The stone was huge and when carved, weighed 70 tonnes. Which is quite a lot. It was then lowered into a special chamber where you can wander around and have thousands of photos taken and touch it for some reason. It was pretty inspiring and the effort to get it there symbolises the kind of effort that went into the project as a whole. Here is, you guessed it, a photo:

'Seed' at the Eden Project

So there you go. After that it was a walk to the initial building, the purchase of coffee and an Eden Project T-shirt.

It was here that we had a problem. The Project prides itself on eco-friendliness and encourages cycling and recycling and all that crap. But if you don’t have a car, the transport is shite. We had to wait ages for a bus. Then, when we got to the train station, we had to wait 2 hours for a train. I know we are from London where a 5 minute wait for transport is tedious but this was ridiculous. Anyway, gripe over but it is something that they should look at.

I really liked the Eden Project. I like the idea, the fact that people are willing to get together just to see if something can be achieved, how it’s funded, the way it has all been put together. Apart from the transport it was well worth the trip. It wasn’t quite what my sub-conscious was hoping for, but my sub-conscious is permanently imagining doomsday scenarios and cool ‘end of humanity’ survival stories. Plus I grew up on 70s and 80s Sci Fi where everyone lived in places like this and I think I was hoping for cheesy robots and gardeners with jet-packs and hot chicks in lycra with lip-gloss. All of which was lacking.

We thoroughly enjoyed the place and I can now tick it off my life to-do list. Hopefully they will listen to my suggestions above and the place will be perfect. If you are in Cornwall it is an essential visit. Go and support them. We might all be living in these domes in 50 years. Sadly though, probably not.

The Eden Project