The Word of Ward

The British fishing industry is now this man

Unlike lots of other countries we’ve annoyed, we British have never actively pissed off Iceland as far as I’m aware. It’s colder and further north for a start. The thing about the British Empire was that it was largely an excuse to get some sunshine and stop ourselves getting drunk all the time and fighting in our own streets. Fill us full of booze and point us at a hot country and let that country be afraid! But we never had a pop at Iceland. In the fifties and seventies we had the ‘Cod Wars’ over fishing rights but they won that and have a thriving fishing industry while we had to turn all our fishing villages into tourist towns and places for rich city folk to buy weekend homes.

In fact they got so much fish their economy boomed and everyone thought it would be cool to go banking there. So lots of British and Europeans invested there. then their economy went tits up and loads of people lost all their cash.

Thanks for Bjork!

They also sent us Bjork to freak us all out.

Now there’s a volcano and we’re going to lose all our fruit. The Eyjafjallajoekull volcano  to be precise. A name that is being copied and pasted by journalists all over the world as we speak. Imagine being a news anchor and hearing the good news that on top of the election there’s also been a natural disaster to report on. They must have been delighted until they saw the name of the volcano that they’d have to read out live.

Now obviously I’m not suggesting that this is all some Bond-like plot. Our economy is fucked too and unless the Icelanders have developed a super-villain volcano weapon, then this is an unavoidable disaster. Quite a predictable one when you consider that Iceland just seems to be a massive load volcanoes grouped together, simmering away, with a load of fish-obsessed viking descendants clinging to its surface.

It all just feels a bit personal.

Of course the press are just loving it. An election, possible life-threatening clouds, airlines losing £130 million a day, economic crises, lots of human misery and juicy personal tales of woe. Look at any news site and there will be an eager box at the bottom where you can write in and lament over how your life has been fucked by the volcano. John Cleese taking a cab from Norway to Brussels for £3,300. People getting stuck in expensive countries. A guy driving all the way to Austria to pick up his kid. People getting diverted to Moscow then being stuck in a hotel room under armed guard. India arresting people for visa violations. All good journalistic fodder that takes hardly any effort to produce. Misery, doom, despair, an end to the airline industry, and apparently no more fruit in Britain as it’s all going off.

I bet British Airways staff are annoyed because for a week or two they can’t threaten to strike.

Hopefully soon the ash will shift and it will all be forgotten about. Either that or the airlines will fail and we will have to go everywhere by boat. Which would actually be quite cool.

Here’s what I think will happen over the next few month news-wise. For the next week – volcano! After that – constant shit about the election. Then in May there will be a new virus that will threaten to wipe us all out come the winter. The circle of tabloid life. I’ll just be a bit suspicious if this year’s killer virus comes from Iceland. That will be one step too far.

A standard Icelandic afternoon.

Hakkasan

As part of my wife’s 30th birthday bonanza, I promised her some of the finest Chinese food outside of Asia. She has a lot of Chinese blood coursing through her veins so I knew I had to pick something good. Hakkasan is definitely known for being one of the best. It even has a Michelin star. I’d been wanting to eat here for ages, so this seemed like a good excuse.

The entrance is down a slightly grotty backstreet/alley just off Tottenham Court that is full of slightly dingy late night bars and illegal drinking establishments. Fortunately, I’ve been drinking in these establishments for almost two decades, so had no problem finding it.

The entrance is pretty muted.  As you can see. There was a lady with a clipboard and a large man in a suit at the entrance. It felt like we were entering a club. She checked we had reservations and we were shown down the stairs. There were several smiley staff waiting to take our coats. Then another lady took us to the bar. The bar is pretty cool – long, dark, nice lighting, a bit futuristic mixed with the Orient. It is like a swanky place in Hong Kong or Blade Runner. We had a couple of cocktails which were £10 each (plus 13% service charge). A bit pricey but they were incredible and unique. Our cocktails were really different but both were some of the finest we had ever had. We were then shown to our seats.

The restaurant is divided into various rooms separated by woodwork lattices. The table have lamps hanging down low over the tables making it feel more intimate. There was staff everywhere, which made me a bit worried that they might be a bit overzealous but actually they got it just right. I hate when you are in a swanky place and feel like the staff are staring at you for the whole meal in case you might need something, it’s very off-putting. Anyway, they seemed ubiquitous but unobtrusive. I did feel it a bit unnecessary that there was a girl whose sole job seemed to just be opening the door to the bogs but maybe I’m being picky.

So, the food. I spent 21 years of my life in Hong Kong and I love dimsum. We ordered the dimsum platter to start and it was awesome. Truly, truly awesome! Each piece was bigger than normal dimsum but they were so well prepared and cooked, I was blown away.

For our mains Nim had the Sho Chu Atlantic stir fried scallops which were huge and tasty and came in a really nice sauce with mushrooms and onions. I had the unbelievably incredible Spicy Mongolian venison. Which was one of the best things I have ever eaten. I challenge you to find a better Mongolian venison – even in Mongolia. We also had jasmine rice and another couple of cocktails. Plus some morning glory which was fantastic but at £9.50 was £9 more than I used to pay when I lived in Bangkok. Which is not surprising I guess.

By this point we were stuffed to the gills so ended the meal with a couple of lattes.

Here’s how the bill panned out:

Dim sum platter – £11.50

Jasmine rice – £2.50

Morning glory – £9.50

Mongolian venison – £23

Sho chu scallops – £26

2 Caffe lattes – £6

4 cocktails – £40

Total: £118.50

With service charge: £133.9

Given that this is a top class restaurant with a Michelin star, superb food (really superb), impeccable service, and an amazing decor, the bill seemed about right.

I would highly recommend this place. I will be going back once my bank account recovers. It shows you just how good oriental food can be. And I have spent over half my life in the orient. Save up and go!

The Loft Restaurant

We went here for my wife’s birthday because I’m so damn classy. And it is the classiest place we found in St Ives. As we entered up the stairs (above), we were greeted by a very nice lady who offered us cocktails on the balcony. It seemed impolite to refuse and I am a paragon of politeness. So we perused the menu  and sipped champagne cocktails. How bloody pleasant is that?

The restaurant itself is a long room, tastefully decorated, and a bit like a converted loft. Unsurprisingly I guess. I had booked us a seat by the window, so we had nice, if slightly obstructed view of the rainy bay.

Nim had the scallops which were large and tasty. I went for the squid salad. I love good squid and this was good, if slightly too sweet for my liking.

For the main I wanted steak but so did my wife and it was her birthday and we wanted to try different things. So I the haddock steak wrapped in local ham with a lovely mash. It was superb, even though I was getting a bit bored of seafood by this point in the holiday.

Nim got the steak in a black pepper sauce. Which was annoying as it was incredible. Cornish cows are very happy indeed and it was some of the finest beef either of us had ever tasted.

The roast veggies were perfect. And I don’t really care about vegetables much unless they are from a street stall in South East Asia and covered in chilli.

We had a red wine and a white wine which were both satisfactory.

Finally we had ice-cream – again from happy Cornish cows. This was followed by a double expresso and an Irish coffee.

Unfortunately the vegetables arrived a couple of minutes after the main, which wasn’t much of a problem but the staff were so nice, we got them for free.

The bill came to £74. Which was pretty good considered what we had and the classy surroundings. I’d highly recommend the place. Great ingredients, very nice staff, very nice ambience and surroundings. I was even allowed to have a cigarette on the balcony.

The terrace bit.

The Saltwater Cafe

We loved this place. Possibly our favourite dinner in St Ives. Through the window you might think to yourself: ‘What a charming little place, the front area looks quite cosy.’ When you enter you realize that this is all there is. One small room with about 10 tables. Booking a table is therefore pretty damn essential.

There seemed to be three people running the whole operation. Very well. A guy in the kitchen and two ladies serving. They were unbelievably efficient and friendly. It is a massive cliche but we really felt like we were dining in their house as a guest. Except for all the cash at the end.

For starters we had the garlic bread – because I love garlic bread!

Then squid with chilli and garlic. Which was astounding! The best dish of the entire trip through Cornwall. Incredible. I dribbled slightly when I wrote that.

Nim had the crab linguine which was very nice but was not quite as good as a place down the road. My pollack steak was fantastic though.

This was pleasantly washed down by a bottle of Pino Grigio followed by a couple of lattes.

The total bill was £55 which was a bargain quite frankly.

I really couldn’t recommend this tiny place enough. I suspect that in the summer you should probably book a table when you book your hotel. Or possibly even before.

Have the squid – if you don’t like it, there’s something very wrong with you.

Almost all of the cafe.

The Mermaid exterior

When we walked in I was immediately impressed. “This is what Cornwall should be like,” I thought to myself. The place was covered in bric’n’brac’n’nic’n’nac’n’tat. And so forth. Everywhere were photos of salty fishermen, nautical memorabilia, fishing nets, statuettes, bottles in wicker baskets. The only thing I would have added would have been a few of those mermaids sailors brought back from the Orient in Victorian times. You know, the ones where they sewed a monkey’s upper body to a fish. I can’t believe the oversight.

A very nice lady showed us to our table and took our coats. Our table had a Thai flag hanging over it for some reason. That must have just been a crazy coincidence. I ordered a bottle of very nice Pinot Grigio and we looked through the menu while listening to Billie Holiday. All pretty damn pleasant and Cornish. Of course my entire experience of Cornwall comes from movies and vague assumptions I’ve just made up.

Charming little booths

We shared a starter of Scallops which were awesome. Nice and big and in a tasty sauce. Being a glutton, I also ordered some garlic toast which mopped up the scallop sauce nicely.

For our mains – Nim opted for a dish that had three fish on it: John Dory, lemon sole, and seabass. They were all tasty and well cooked but I get bored of fish pretty quick unless it is done Asian style with a spicy sauce. Because I’m an oik and fish are just fish.

I had a monkfish and tiger-prawn crepe. Which was fantastic. Nice big chunks of monkfish and fairly big tiger-prawns for England. (In Asia they’d just call them prawns but that’s another issue.)

The meal came with side-dishes of new potatoes, mange tout, and two large cauliflowers in batter. All of which were nice, although the cauliflower got to be a bit much with all my cheese sauce from my crepe. Even I have limits on batter and cheese.

After this, we had two lattes. Which were like, you know, lattes.

The bill came to exactly sixty quid. So thirty a head. Which is fairly good value I guess, although better deals can be found elsewhere.  I’ll get back to you on that.

My only real gripe with the whole evening was that after Billie Holiday they played a boy-band album. I think it may even have been Take That. I mean, for fuck’s sake. When the song ‘let it shine’ came on, I kept thinking of budget supermarket adverts and it made the food taste slightly cheaper. I suddenly felt like I was eating in a Harvester or something.

I suppose I could have got the music changed but it’s not my restaurant and I shouldn’t have to. Nowhere should play this kind of music in public unless they are catering for teenage girls or twats who think a big gold chain looks good.

Other than that. A very pleasant experience indeed! Good food, nice ambience, great staff. A bit cheaper and better music and it would be superb. There is better food to be found in St Ives but the Mermaid has a atmosphere of its own.

The lovely St Ives

All the stress of not working much and lolling around on the couch proved to be too much so my wife and I headed to Cornwall. Real Ale and pasties by the sea. I will write this all up more fully later but I can’t really be bothered right now. Plus I don’t have the cable that goes from my laptop to my camera, so all my lovely photos are locked in another device. (The top one is from the Mirror.) So far we have explored most of St Ives, visited Penzance, almost got blown off Land’s End, and visited the future of doomed mankind at the Eden project. I will write more about all of these in more detail when I get back to London. On Sunday. With lots of photos to collectively bore the internet with.

An English beach!