The Word of Ward

As you may or may not have noticed, this website was down for a week. Basically, I said a few things about someone that I was perfectly justified to say. Unfortunately, some of the comments by readers may have overstepped the mark. As a result my old hosts got a warning from some lawyers and rather than give me a chance to remove the comments, simply shut me down. I won’t be mentioning the individual again because I didn’t really give a shit about him in the first place. I mentioned him in annoyance and everything spiralled out of control.

I won’t mention my old hosts either as they suck and will probably sue too. You can guess who they are by looking at any web-host review site and looking at who is rated bottom.

What have I learnt from all this?

1) Don’t use my old hosts. Whoever they are…

2) Don’t slag off anyone who probably has good lawyers.

3) If you are going to write about people, and keep it purely factual, beware of what people write in the comments section.

4) Don’t back up your website with just your hosts. Especially if they suck.

5) Don’t naively assume you have freedom of speech unless you are a celebrity or writing for the press – when you can just write an apology on page 10.

So I’ll be disabling the comments from now on. Sorry about that but I got a ton of spam every day and I can’t be bothered to go through everyone’s comments in case some jumped up prick in the future takes offence at what some innocent but frustrated reader has written. Not that the guy I wrote about was a jumped up prick. He is a wonderful, wonderful man and everyone who wrote bad comments is obviously mental.

I feel saddened that I can’t write what I want. I didn’t slander anyone but fear of legal action seems to turn everyone into pussies. So you win lawyers and spammers! Well done! Balls to freedom!

Still, at least I’m back. Next entry I will be more cheerful. I should also thank Host Gator – my new host – for being so awesome and sorting everything out. They are so much better than my previous host. Who hate freedom.

Photos from:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/unnamed/47093936/sizes/m/

Sick bastard that I am, I often fantasize about the end of the world. Obviously it would mean billions would die, there’d be no more internet, no restaurants, no pubs, no online PS3 wargames, no pizza delivery, and so on. (I suppose hospitals and government and things like that deserve a mention too.) I mostly dream about it when I’m bored or fed up at work because there’d be no mortgages or pensions or accountants or taxmen to worry about either.

When I think about how I will survive, my mind basically thinks this:

Pretty much my entire survival plan

Me, guns, and a dog. That’s my plan. (Plus my wife, obviously.)

In reality, I might have to end up in a cave eating berries. The above picture would be how I’d start out but I’d probably end up like this after a few months:

Piss off, those are my juniper bushes!

Obviously a bit more planning would be required. Some fellow on the Ask Reddit website has thought this out. So if there’s a zombie holocaust/alien invasion/ robot uprising/ triffid or kraken attack, or any number of cool possibilities, here is a plan you can print out and laminate in advance. In reality, it will probably be a mutated flu virus that everyone ignores because there have been so many that turned out to be crap.

So print this out and get prepared. That way I can turn up in cool leathers and shoot you and steal it all.

Here’s how to survive:

I’ve played this over in my head before and decided there are two lifestyles. Nomadic and Static. The following considers staking out a territory for a “home base” where one is secure for the rest of his days. It also assumes “the grid” is down. No electricity or internet, some plumbing works.

Pre-Phase Phase (I’m not good with phases)

• Before Anything: Eat Exotic Fresh Fruits while they are around. They come from so far away that, odds are depending where you live, you will never ever get to have Banana, Pomegranite, Starfruit or Mango again in your life. Savor every bite. Make Fruit Leathers and Freeze what you cannot stomach to consume. You will also need to bone up on Vitamin C while you’re doing the most work.
• Unless you plan on maintaining and protecting cows for the rest of their/your life… you’re unlikely to have a fresh glass of cold milk ever again. There are dehydrated milks (Klim) but it’s not the same.
• Bacon. Eat all of what you can find. Cook it all up and dehydrate what you cannot stomach. Even if you hate it. You may never have the opportunity to eat bacon again.

Phase 1 – Fuel for your Future

The world is going to be vastly different in only 5-years time. Buildings will collapse from non-maintained roofs. Cars and Trucks won’t operate off of stale fuel. Uncut lawns will overgrow and cripple streets along with freeze/rain cycles. Animals will grow unchecked and rampant predation will resume. Insects will rule the fields. There is no more weather channel, internet or food store. It will become an inhospitable world very shortly, you need to prepare.

• Refined Gasoline and Diesel will be useless in 2 years. You CAN make your own fuels (Combustion/Steam, Biodeisel) but there is a much much simpler answer.
• Propane is everywhere and it’s shelf life is longer than yours. Walmarts, Home Depots and Millions of Tanks behind people’s homes, half full from the previous Summer’s BBQ Season. Safely, stockpile the conventional tanks (using trucks while they’re still useful) making sure to properly maintain them.
• If you’re lucky enough to be near gas stations with those huge above ground tanks, secure passage to them and secure their protection. Map out every one of them in a 50-mi radius. Expend the furthest ones first. O-Rings and valves can corrode and fail on the conventional ones, but the big boys aren’t as likely to fail. Don’t ever think about moving them.
• Store canisters away from your domicile but within reasonable distance with good ventilation. Keep Oil-Based paint nearby and paint them every few years to stave off rust.
• Go out and find Propane Powered Appliances. Forklifts, Bobcats, Refrigerators, Lanterns, Ovens, Weed Wackers, Generators.
• Yes, if you really want to you can dick around with Solar Panels / Wind Turbines and work on a battery farm and keep some modern conventions. DVDs will work for 10-40 years depending on the press and plastics involved.
• Keep growth down inside the compound. The rest of the world will become overgrown, last thing you want are a ton of thornbushes and poison ivy invading your space. Keep your paths clear with weedwackers and machetes. The roads won’t completely overgrow in your lifetime, but at least clear the cars out of the way with bulldozers while you still can.

Phase 2 – Secure your Food

There’s a ton of food still around in the world that’ll be good for the next decade. Rice and Beans, Canned Fruits and Veggies. The Average Domesticated Human relies on these foods and cannot subsist “off of the land.”

• One of the first things you should consider doing is getting a freezer farm up and operating off of generators (or using propane freezers which can be found for RVs.) Scour the lands for processed meats, hoping that they’re still in a frozen state. Fruits, Veggies, Variety. Nobody will be farming these things anymore and odds are, the world will eventually become too inhospitable for you to maintain a farm without insects plaguing it.
• Sysco Trucks are refrigerated and can probably stay cool a week or two, and are likely chock full of the meals you’d otherwise be served after they’ve been microwaved at Olive Garden, Johnny Carino’s, Applebees, TGIFridays, McDonalds, etcetc. If they haven’t been looted already, they’re a great solution to a “freezer farm.” Now that you have all the time in the world, figure out how to use RV Propane Freezers to keep these trucks cool. Move them to your home, reinforce them in concrete and keep them free of bugs and animals.
• The Nearby Ocean may become tarnished in 2-5 years as runoff from humanity’s downfall pours off the coasts and out of the unmaintained sewers. If you’re a sailor and can sail out a couple miles for some mahi-mahi to freeze, that’s awesome. Also, after the death of Gasoline, you can probably rig a Propane-Powered Weed-Wacker to be an Outboard Motor for a boat.
• Hunting is useful if you know what you’re doing. Avoid protein poisoning by eating fats. Cook well-done, always. There’s no cure for food poisoning now.
• Find a nearby river where no humanity is upstream for your water source. Use a Propane Forklift to carry a water back in a large container. Treat it with Chlorine Dioxide, Bleach or use Ceramic Filters. There’s probably still usable water in water towers but no telling if whatever killed humanity has contaminated those.
• Incinerate your leftovers (there shouldn’t be any…) to keep down on insect infestation.

Phase 3 – Home Compound

Insects and animals will grow plentifully without humans now. Wild Dogs, Bears, Coyotes, Mountain Lions, Feral Cats are all now the enemy. Malaria, Lymes Disease, Bebesia can be carried by insects and with Rabies, will likely grow out of control without human intervention.

• Secure an area, preferably within a high-walled region to keep bears and other predators away. Chain Link Fences need to be painted to prevent rusting. Paint them with motor oil a couple of times in the summer (if you don’t give a rat’s ass about the environment now)
• Drive Vehicles over to your Compound while they still work. Mobile Homes, School Buses, Fire Engine Tankers & Ladders, Electrical Contractor Cherry Pickers (for Hunting Blinds), Flatbeds, Box Trucks.
• If you can do it singlehandedly, transport the biggest few Yachts you can find to your compound. Ever see the inside of those things? Home away from home. Might be a nice place to spend the night if you need to feel like you’re civilized again.
• Construct a cinder-block-based shelter away from Hurricane-Prone or Earthquake Prone Areas. Something very secure that’ll survive hard rains, winters, and can keep out animals and insects, but simple to maintain and secure.
• Use Carbon Monoxide Detectors hooked up to a battery system. All this propane will generate Carbon Monoxide.
• If you can remove the septic tank, use RVs for their bathrooms then drive out with the forklifts and dump it somewhere… downwind.

Phase 4 – Self Preservation

• Stockpile Medicine. Most pills will lose effectiveness after 2 years. Painkillers should be kept nearby. Doxycyclene for Lymes Disease will (effectively) last 2 years. Some Pharmacies may have Mepron which is for Malaria.
• Treat every wound as if it’s going to infect and kill you. Alcohol Wipes and Topical Antibiotics in small packets are long-lasting as well.
• ALWAYS BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Learn to brush your teeth with Baking Soda. Toothpastes will inevitably harden in their tubes or liquify into an unusable congealment. There are no dentists anymore. If you get a cavity, you’re probably screwed bigtime and will need to take care of it yourself.
• Hone your skills. You’re now the worlds only Mechanic, Electrician, Farmer, Hunter, Gatherer and Doctor. Books are a remarkable resource.

Phase 5 – Recreation

• Find the closest highway and burn all the gasoline you can syphon out of all the cars around in a Maserati, Ferrari or Ford Focus by risking your fucking life. This insane maneuver might help you keep some sanity… but in 2-years-time gasoline will have gone stale and most cars will sit where they were.
• There are some propane based cars and Go-Karts. Offhand, I don’t know where I’d find one around here so I’m in a bad position… the internet will be down and “propane go-karts” won’t be found in phone books.

Phase 6 – Keep your mind busy

• Write about what you’ve done. Every day. Write your thoughts, your transgressions, your hopes, your angers. As you fill books, put them in some permanent enclosure of sorts, sheltered from the elements.
• Gather up Atlases, Medical Books, Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Put them all in the same place. Who knows what evolution has in store? Perhaps in a couple hundred million years, some badger learns to make fire and read. It’s your legacy and you can’t accept the fact that this is the end of intelligent life. Write for them. Explain what transpired. If only to keep your mind busy and your heart steady.

Final Phase – Seal your fate.

You are the last of your kind. Evolution may replace humans with another Sentient Creature capable of interpreting the past, but for now, this is it. As representative for humanity, you do not want to suffer. No sense in bleeding to death over the course of several days pinned underneath a mountain of rubble.

• Always have the ability to kill yourself nearby. Holster a classy 6-shooter in your shoulder, at your ankle or your hip at all times.

This all came from:

http://viigo.im/2HRa

Holy shit. I just turned on the TV and thought: “I haven’t watched terrestrial tv on a Saturday evening for years, I wonder what it’s like these days?” Astoundingly, it’s even worse. Fucking awful in fact. I tuned in half way through a show called ‘Hole in the wall’. Which I’m thankful about as it means I missed half of it. Here’s the premise: A contestant stands at the edge of a pool and a polystyrene wall with a variety of holes cut out move toward the contestant. If the stupid sap manages to mimic their body to the pillock shaped hole they win points. If they don’t, they get pushed by the wall into the pool.

That’s it. Really. If that’s not bad enough, the people involved are ghastly. I think they might be celebrities. I’m sure one was Annabelle Croft – a tennis player I lusted after about 20 years ago. She’s an English tennis player, so not many would have heard of her. I have no idea who the others were but I was generally led to believe they were well known. Maybe they are scientists or philosophers or something. The presenter was a strange looking man with a bizarrely long face. He reminded me of Charles Grodin (from Beethoven and Midnight Run) after his head had been squashed from the sides. He looked like a happy horse and kept doing strange spins and turns, so I think he might be a dancer or something.

Anyway, it was fucking awful. There’s my review. Here’s a clip, which might even make you chortle. Probably will in fact, because it’s actually quite funny. But then imagine half an hour of it. And despair. I’ll give Saturday night on normal TV another 10 years.

A guy in the early sixties loses his gay lover in a car crash and gets really depressed. The film follows a day when he has made a decision to shoot himself and he is putting his affairs in order. In case you think that’s a spoiler – the film starts with him remembering the death of his lover, waking up depressed, then getting a gun. It’s pretty clear from the start what’s going on.

People who read this site regularly might be surprised that I might go and see this kind of film. There are no explosions or zombies or anything. But I’m a sensitive arty guy, ok? Look at the books I read (the classic ones). Plus my wife wanted to see it.

Colin Firth plays George. Brilliantly. I can see why so many are lauding him for his performance. At first he seems a bit anally retentive with perfectly folded suits and crisp sealed shirts for each day. His house is pristine and he seems respected at work. His one friend is Julianne Moore who plays a drunk, bored, divorcee. Also very well.

As the film progresses we see his character develop and become more real and believable. He has flaws and a personality that seems to get stronger and more likeable as things progress. From a stuffy professor he transforms into an interesting likeable guy and you find yourself growing increasingly sad as the story progresses. It is a well written story (a bit slow at times but not often), with superb acting and amazing visual direction.

It is this ‘amazing visual direction’ that ironically brings the film down slightly. It is too visually arresting. Too arty. It feels a bit like watching a perfume advertisement or a talented student video artist’s end of year work. I’m making it sound worse than it is but after a while it did feel a bit over the top. I was aware that the director Tom Ford was showing that George was admiring beauty and the details of life on his final day but there were too many shots of women’s eyes, or men’s chests, or close-ups of roses.

I should stress that it doesn’t mar the film too much and not everyone will feel the same way. Apparently Ford is a fashion designer, so I should have allowed for a bit of aesthetic pretension. Even if it felt slightly too much, that obviously implies that the majority of the film is nice to look at. And it is. Watch the trailer below and you’ll see what I mean (especially the close-ups).

This is a good film – there is no denying that. I won’t be rushing out and buying the blu-ray but if you like a character driven, superbly acted and well directed movie, it is worth checking out.