The Word of Ward

I just saw this on youtube and holy bollocks it’s awesome! Apparently the guy made it on a relatively small budget but with top notch equipment. The figure being quoted is that he made it for $300 but that doesn’t seem to factor in all the necessary gear, paying extras, crew, and so on. It is still quite an achievement and a testimony to the power of computers and youtube and communication.

Anyway it’s cool. After watching the new Day of the Triffids and reading a book by Larry Niven called ‘Lucifer’s Hammer’ (about the earth after a comet hits) my world seems full of End of the World scenarios right now. There must be something wrong with me because I sometimes think it would be quite cool. Mainly because I wouldn’t have to worry about going to work or paying bills or tedium like that. In reality of course, it would suck. No online PS3 games or imported beer or pizza delivery. Or tv shows about Triffids, books about comet armaggedon, or clips on youtube. for that matter.

Here’s the video. Enjoy.

Pretty heavy topic eh?

I was going to try and lighten this entry a bit with an amusing picture or two. I scoured the internet and discovered that the only jokey pictures I could find were on right-wing ranting sites that basically slagged off Al Gore and called everyone who believed in climate change a hippy or a liberal who’s part of some global plot. I also discovered a universal truth – right-wing humorists are shite. They have no sense of humour. All the jokes they made were god-awful.

So no funny pictures I’m afraid.

I read in the paper that less and less people believe that climate change is caused by humans. More and more people are believing that global warming is a myth. I find this a bit sad. There seems to be a lot of science backing it all up but this is being ignored. Even if the science is wrong and it is a myth/lefty plot, so what? Surely it is better to cut carbon emissions anyway?

Here is how I see it:

We cut carbon emissions and there is less pollution. I have lived in places that couldn’t give a fuck about carbon emissions (Thailand and China) and it can be horrendous. Smog blocks up your lungs and you feel dirty all the time and everything is coated in a layer of crap. More people have asthma and breathing problems. It is the equivalent of smoking but without the benefits of enjoyment or looking dangerous and cool. It is always a relief to go to a place with cleaner air. So why not cut emissions on that basis alone?

There is also the fact that if we don’t cut carbon emissions and it turns out global warming is true – billions would suffer. Why take the risk? If it’s untrue, then we are left with cleaner air. I know some people might not give a fuck and think it might not affect them but that also means they don’t give a fuck about their kids or grandchildren too. The next generations are going to have to either breathe all this crap or possibly die if the ice caps melt. If enough people still don’t care about that then fine – let’s all die. Just remember who made that decision and live with it.

Apart from people who sell oil or cars, I really don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want a cleaner atmosphere. Unless they don’t believe in pollution either.

I found it amusing and saddening that the recent climate talks in Copenhagen achieved fuck all. Airplanes release tons of carbon into the atmosphere and apparently there were 150 private jets there to carry all the delegates to and from the talks. That did nothing. Way to go! Luckily there were protesters outside who showed their anger at carbon emission by, er, burning stuff. Good work there too.

I think that everyone should be made to state their position on this. By law. Those who believe in climate change should then show what they are doing to reduce their carbon footprint. Those who think it is all crap can carry on being twats and make our environment all smoggy and unpleasant as before. If nothing happens, everyone can feel happy and smug anyway. If the sea levels rise and there is suddenly a lack of housing and food – all the people who disbelieved in climate change should be eaten. That would make people think twice.

I’m off to build my ark.

In case you are lazy and don’t want to read the rest of this review – this game is brilliant! I mentioned previously, elsewhere, that it was better than watching the new Indiana Jones film. I recently watched it again and it was actually pretty good fun. This game is still better though. You feel as if you are playing through a mixture of a book and film. The story begins with you waking up with a bullet wound in your stomach in a train carriage that is hanging over the edge of a cliff. How goddamn exciting is that? Once you manage to escape the tale cuts to chapter one and you see how you ended up in that situation.

The story is exciting and well told. There are more characters this time, as well as the ones from the original. For a game it is surprising how much depth and characterization can be squeezed in as you blow the crap out things. The voice over acting is impeccable and it’s fun just seeing how things pan out. The characters develop and all have their own believable motives. The story is epic and you jet all over the place robbing from Turkish museums, shooting it out in a warzone, fighting on trains going from jungle to mountains, discovering hidden temples, and so on. Ostensibly you are trying to find Marco Polo’s lost treasure but the story develops into so much more.

It's all so pretty!

Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune was the first game I played on PS3 and I was blown away by the graphics and story and gameplay. This sequel has astoundingly been superior in almost every way. The graphics are the best I have ever seen. There are times when you just stop and gaze in awe at the scenery around you. There is a sequence when you are on a train as it goes from lowland jungle into the Himalayas and the surroundings are so incredible I actually got shot by a baddie who had crept up on me. I really cannot say enough about how truly magnificent the graphics are.

Blow shit up!

The game itself is similar to the first in the you spend a lot of time climbing about, and a lot of time killing literally hundreds of people. There is more this time though. You have to take down helicopters, blow up tanks, escape falling buildings, and generally get out of dozens of scenarios by the skin of your teeth. The shooting and cover controls are perfect and so are all the little extras like sniping and chucking grenades.

I cannot stress enough just how awesome this game is! You will probably complete it in 10 or so hours, but you will probably then go back and do it all again on a harder setting and try to find all the treasures and unlock all the extras.

You won’t be done then though because there is more. Uncharted 2 has the funnest multi-player action since Killzone 2. It is superb. You have all the usual stuff like capturing areas, dragging treasures back to your base, elimination, death match and so forth but as there is so much you can do, it is frighteningly addictive. The element of climbing adds so much more. You can also sneak up behind people and take them out ninja style. You can hang off a ledge and pull people over as they walk by. It is just joyous fun to play and the incentives are there as you level up and unlock boosters and weapons and so on. On top of this you also have co-operative play, which I just started playing today. These are like mini adventures with their own cut-scenes and quests. You play with two others and work as a team as you chase down a treasure in a war-zone or lost temple.

Even the multiplayer is perfect

As you can tell, I loved this game. You will be hard pressed finding a review on the internet that doesn’t say it’s brilliant. In fact, you would find it difficult to find anyone that doesn’t think it should be game of the year. I think it should be.

Watch the trailer below. Then buy a PS3. Then get the game. (Even the trailer is awesome.) You can thank me later.

It’s been a massive shock being back. I know from experience that it will only take a week or two to get used it all but right now, I just want to stay in and hibernate.

Britain is cold and dark. The sun came up and 08:01am and set at 15:52pm. In between there was hardly anything that could be called “daylight”. It was cloudy and snowy all day. Everyone is miserable. The other day I met a mate for a drink and he had black eyes and a puffy face as he was attacked by a random nutter a few days before. London is exciting like that.

Last night I went to the pub with some friends and we had to move pub as we couldn’t face queuing up at the bar. In Thailand there are hot waitresses everywhere that remember your drink and get you a new one when you look at them. Plus they are hot.

Food here is bland. Even the Thai food is toned down.

My first shift when I got back was a nightmare to get to. Due to a signal failure in Camden, the whole network went tits up. When I finally got on a train, they kicked us off at Willesden Junction – a station that is remarkable for its distance from any alternate means of transport. I ended up being 40 minutes late for my first shift in ages. To make matters even worse, there was work to do. Will this suffering never end?

The only things that are keeping me going are: the traditional binge-drinking over the Christmas and New Year period, my growing addiction to on-line poker, and the anticipation over the new Avatar movie.

I promise to write more soon. Next time I will be more cheerful!

Well it’s all almost over. After a month in Thailand, the return to Blighty and darkness and televisual toil beckons once more. No mysterious benefactors have stepped out of the woodwork to give me the millions I’ve hoped and prayed for, so I’m coming back. As an atheist, the prayers were probably a waste of time but I thought I’d give the deities a go, a chance to redeem themselves, but nothing…

It has been a superb trip.

The first week was all predictably taken up with preparations for the wedding. Actually all the main preparations had been done and paid for by Nim’s family before we even got there. I am eternally grateful to them all for this as the day turned out to be perfect.

My nerves started to mount as we met members of the family and gave them invites. One minute it was a retired colonel, the next minute we were at a hospital owned by a member of the family, the next was a nice household full of friendly relatives drinking tea. It was a bit of a whirlwind! We then saw the ballroom and stage and seating arrangements and where we were to pray and sit and make speeches. It was all a bit daunting. Then there were visits to the tailors where my wife got a stunning dress and I got a Thai-style top that actually made me look quite good – as opposed to a daft foreigner in a Thai shirt (although there was an element of that). Nim truly looked gorgeous though.

In all our finery!

Then it was the actual day! We loitered around the entry area welcoming the hundred or so guests. (I nipped out for a few cigarettes but was there a lot.) A few million photos later and we were seated in special chairs. There was a row of nine monks in front of us who started chanting and everyone adopted their finest prayer positions. As stated before, the ceremony was opened by the head of the Ministry for the Interior (another family member). At some point Nim and I had to pour water into a special bowl and then light some incense and candles at an altar. Then there was more chanting and praying. I became surprised and mildly alarmed at how tired my hands had started to become and noticed a few Westerners feeling similar discomfort. The prayer position is not a natural one. Try it yourself for half an hour.

The room as guests begin to arrive.

We then knelt and received a blessing from the head monk and more water was poured. Things became a bit confused in my mind at this point but I had helpful whisperings from Nim as to what I should be doing and was apparently quite convincing in pretending I knew what the hell was going on. We then prayed in front of each of the monks who flicked water on us with bunches of twigs. Soon after this the monks were given food and we gave them gifts each.

Blessed by monks.

Nim and I were then instructed to sit in a different bit and we knelt forward with our hands over ornate bowls. My hands immediately started to cramp again. Some beautiful flower things were draped over us, some kind of paste daubed on our foreheads and a circle of string was placed around both our heads that were joined by a single strand. A queue formed and people came forward to pour water from a special gourd over our hands and into the bowls as they blessed us. It was all very touching but by the end my hands began to ache and shake. Hopefully no one noticed or thought it was emotion.

It was incredibly touching and emotional though as I was warmly welcomed into Nim’s family.

When all this was done, I breathed a sigh of relief and started to flex my weary digits. Too soon! We had to stay in position as a million photos were due to be taken. Ages seemed to pass and as we were joined by precariously joined pieces of string, there was no way we could see what was happening behind us. Eventually it was done and I have to say that some damn fine photos came out of it. My smile grew increasingly fixed by the end and my hands began to curl inward but it was worth it.

We then broke for lunch and a tour of tables and relatives. And a quick smoke break.

Flowers and string

Four of us were then summoned to the stage – Nim’s uncle, my dad, Nim, and myself. Nim’s uncle gave a speech in Thai that seemed to go down well. Then my dad gave a great speech that started with a sentence in Thai and received immediate applause. Nim was supposed to be next but then I was asked to step up instead. Which was good as it pre-empted my nerves. I gave a speech in English, which seemed to go down ok and then came the bit I had been dreading. My paragraph of Thai. I’d practiced it a lot but was fairly concerned. Ninety percent of the audience spoke the lingo pretty well after all. I think because it came at the end of my fairly well received English speech, I was no longer nervous and it went quite well. A Thai friend remarked afterwards that it was the first time she’d actually understood everything I’d said. Nim then gave a superb and emotionally charged speech that put mine to shame and had half the room in tears. Bless her.

Can you understand my finest Thai?

Feelings were running quite high at this point but there was a bit more to come. A new area was prepared and Nim and I knelt and were blessed by our nearest and dearest members of the family in turn. We knelt and the couples sat on chairs and gave us astoundingly beautiful gifts and family heirlooms that had been passed down through both our families. I felt honoured to be receiving lovely gold and jewel encrusted heirlooms that had been passed through Nim’s family for generations. It was probably the most touching part of the whole day as our parents whispered blessings and well-wishes.

Then we were done. I was physically and emotionally drained – as was Nim. It was quite a day. It was at this point Nim turned and said, “That was the short version of a Thai wedding.”

All done!

That evening there was a party at a pub owned by a friend of ours called The Pickled Liver. It was quite alcoholic and very welcome.