The Word of Ward

Yes, I’ve done it again. Same lady, but different country and very different ceremony. So my blog and review output has been somewhat lacking. Apologies for this but I have to have priorities.

My ‘Wedding 2′ was held in a large ballroom in Bangkok. There were nine monks, a hundred guests, and lots of emotion. It also featured myself giving a speech that ended with a load of surprisingly comprehensible Thai. I will write more on this very soon but I’m a bit drained at the moment. It promises to be a fascinating article when it happens. The ceremony was opened by a (now) relative who is the head of the Ministry of the Interior. That’s just for starters. I will talk about all the monks chanting and string tying and water blessings soon. I promise.

Life has almost returned to normal. Normal for my life in Bangkok anyway. It feels great to be back here and hanging out with friends. I barely feel as if I left. All I have to do now is write a 1500 word essay on linguistics and historical perspectives on socio-dialects and attitudes toward them by tomorrow night. Then I can finally chill out and blog my ass off.

Right now though, I’m going for a pint. Of Tiger. In a street cafe in Bangkok. Life is good.

I’m in Bangkok! God I love this place! Apart from the fact that where I’m staying has no internet, everything is perfect in the world of Ward. I lived here for two years before I was forced back to Blighty. I spent my days in coffee shops and bars happily writing away and get hyped on coffee or drunk on Tiger beer. Occasionally an editor would phone me up and ask me to attend an art opening or review a book or interview someone. It was a happy and carefree time. Unfortunately, while I was just about able to live on this, I couldn’t really see any future in it. Even more unfortunately, I’m in my 30s now and have to think a bit about the future. So I reluctantly returned to my glittering career watching tv in high-tech windowless broadcasting facilities in London. This coincidentally was the exact moment when I started smoking heavily again.
But I have big plans! This site seems to be gathering pace and soon I expect to earning as much as £5 a month from it. I am also midway through a degree which will mean I can finally accept one of the job offers I have received out here in either the English department of a top university, or sub-editor of a newspaper. Neither of which were available without a work-permit, which can only be attained by having a degree. Which is annoying and frustrating, but so is life, so I’ll stop bitching about it. I have also decided to try my hand at online poker, which is a sure fire route to big success.
I have actually met a few professional poker players out here and they seem to really enjoy themselves. Bastards. Sadly the two I asked said that they didn’t make a penny until after they had been playing regularly for at least a year. Worth a try though right? I can’t see any way this plan can go wrong.
So if anyone enjoys this site, just wait a while. Soon I will have more free time to read books, watch films, and play games. All so you don’t have to. Nice of me isn’t it?
The only problem is my current lack of internet and that will be fixed on the 18th. Then – watch out world!
In a bit.

Spam! Spam! Spam!

I’m not going to talk about delicious Spiced Ham in a Can. Nor am I going to talk about the Monty Python sketch where a load of vikings are in a cafe chanting ‘Spam, spam, spam, spam, spamedy spam’ (etc). I’m talking about the internet pricks who offer you ways to lengthen your, er, prick. Or harden it. Or meet girls who might be interested in the result. Or any of the other pointless lies that get sent to you via email.

I have been fairly free of spam thanks to the wonders of gmail that seems almost psychic in its filtering abilities. Then I started this site. I spend a lot of time playing games and reading books and thought it would be nice to share my opinion of them as a service to my fellow humans. Plus it makes all the time I spend on the couch seem slightly more worthwhile. I also live in a big city and drink a lot of coffee, so thought I might as well vent occasionally.

Then I started getting inundated with bastard spam. Curiously, very little of it goes to the site’s email. Most of it goes to the comments section and it is beginning to annoy me. Usually it is in two forms: a comment saying ‘Like your blog’ or ‘that was interesting’; or a joke that would shame a Christmas cracker. Then a link to a Viagra site.

At first I took delight in going to these sites and writing incredibly abusive emails, but this has grown dull. I’m seriously toying with disabling the comments bit. This site, I’m proud to say, has been attracting almost double the readership each month it has been going. Last month 1500 people viewed it and the number rises daily. I thank you for that. Spam has kept in line with this figure however. Sadly in this modern world, spamming can be done anonymously. Or at least fairly anonymously. What can be done about these bastards who daily piss off the planet?

Ok maybe too drastic. How about a swan? I hate swans.

If you’re hoping I will provide an answer – sorry I can’t. I liked the end of the Jay and Silent Bob movie where they visit each of their internet critics and beat them up but that would sadly be difficult to do. I also don’t want to be seen condoning violence.

I don’t what’s wrong with naming and shaming them. Police can catch all sorts of other scumbags on the internet so why not spammers? I know that naming and shaming can lead to ugly scenes where, as sadly happened, morons who can’t spell attacked a pediatrician but they were probably off their tits on cheap medication. Spam is a pleasingly short word that can’t possibly lead to confusion – even among illiterate knuckle-dragging reactionaries.

Stress is the number one killer in the West and spam contributes to this. The government should compile all the known spam offenders, accidentally leave the list on a train and then deny everything. If you discover you live near a known spammer then you should post all your junk mail through their letter-box. If you go on holiday to a third world country, buy loads of cheap panadol and try and flog it to them at a massive mark-up whenever you pass their house. Try and get their phone number and call them up all day and ask them who provides their internet.

It could bring communities together.

Or put them in stocks and lob actual spam at them in a cruel-and-unusual punishment-fits-the-crime kind of a way.

It’s also possible that all the caffeine in my system will left by tomorrow and I awaken calmer, baffled as to why I got so pissed off over something so trivial. Then I will log in and see all the spam directed at this post. Which would almost be amusing.

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