The Word of Ward

And Another Thing... by Eoin Colfer

Let me state this first: I am a massive Hitchhiker fan. Not to the point where it becomes sad-loner going to a convention level, but damn close – I’ll probably take my wife. I first read the initial trilogy when I ten and Life, the Universe and everything had just been published. I immediately wanted to become a writer and started to write my first ever novel right then. I still have it at my parents house.

I have since read everything Douglas Adams has written. Several times.

So when I first heard that a new Hitchhiker book was being written I was initially excited. Then I thought about it and started to worry. How would someone go about this? Try and mimic Adams exactly? Surely that wouldn’t work, as he had such a unique voice. Try their own style? Too distinct and it would hardly be book six, more an adventure ‘in the world of Hitchhikers’. I was concerned.

Unbelievably, in my humble opinion, Eoin Colfer somehow managed to get it pretty spot on. It feels like a continuation of the series but is clearly not written by Adams.

The characters are well done and are the people (and aliens) we all know and love. Arthur Dent, with his quintessential English-ness and obsession with tea and baths, was pretty much modeled on Adams himself. Colfer wisely moves him from the centre of attention. Most of the main protagonists seem to share the limelight fairly equally with perhaps Zaphod Beeblebrox edging slightly ahead. Which is never a bad thing. The original trilogy didn’t really flesh out the characters much and it never really felt all that necessary. The latter two had a bit more characterization but not as much as this.

The original books were more about character types progressing through a series of adventures and ideas. This is more about the characters. Fortunately they are all familiar and enjoyable characters. In addition to the usual cast of Arthur, Ford, Trillian, we have Random Dent (who first appeared in Mostly Harmless), Thor (yes the god who appeared in The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul and Norse mythology), Wowbagger the infinitely prolonged (that guy who accidentally became immortal and is now trying to insult the universe in alphabetical order), and a load more. They are all good.

It is here that I noticed the biggest difference. Colfer spends a lot more time on the characters and description of places than Adams ever did. Consequently the pace feels slower. Mr Colfer is a great writer so this never feels too detrimental to the book but you get the feeling that if Douglas Adams had written the same sequence of events it would have comprised about half the number of pages with no loss.

Another difference is that the original felt a lot more philosophical. It had a lot more epic ideas dealing with, for example, life the universe and everything. The scope felt bigger somehow. And Another Thing… follows a lot more of a linear narrative without so many of the huge ideas tackled in the originals. Taken as an episode, this doesn’t matter all that much, it just felt different.

The book is thankfully, very funny. There are some genuinely laugh out loud moments and by that I mean I actually laughed out loud – as opposed to an internet buffoon in a forum typing LOL each they come across something mildly amusing. As I stated above, Mr Colfer is a great writer and fortunately, he is also a funny one. The little asides as the ‘Guide’ interrupts the narratives are there although at times they veer dangerously close to being slightly formulaic and this was never the case with the original. They never quite cross that line though, and are generally amusing and add to the novel.

So was I disappointed? No. Not at all. This is a superb book. Not as good as the originals, but I guess I was always going to say that. As an episode of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy it works well. It is just a bit different. The difference is that between an awesomely funny philosopher/sci-fi writer (Adams) and a more modern but almost as funny sci-fi writer. It is not quite as good or far reaching as the originals but it is certainly a welcome addition to the series. The title is apt. Highly recommended.

Well, I’m back. I apologize for not writing recently but I have been on a minor European tour. First off, I’ve been to Bruges. In Belgium. Like the feckin’ movie. It was a lovely place and is one of the most perfectly preserved medieval cities in Belgium. It’s full of cobbled streets, cafes, statues, old buildings, horse-drawn carriages, chocolates and tourists. Plus bars and beer.

Myself (wit the hooded top) gazing longingly at cafes

We then went to Ghent, which is pretty similar except much larger and more exciting and less twee. I love Ghent.

Ghent: ain't it nice?

Then we are the first people I have ever met to go to Luxembourg. It was about as exciting as you’d imagine. Which leaves it up to you.

Luxembourg. It's quite pleasant.

Then finally, Brussels. The heart of the EU. The place where the smoking ban originated and rankings placing Britain as the most binge-drinker filled place in Europe. It is fall of bars where you can smoke and drink beer that is 10% alcohol. Why are they able to get it right?

Brussels and old stuff!

I shall write about the trip in more detail very soon on this very site. I might even start a new tab. While on this minor excursion I also read the 6th book in the very inaccurately named ‘Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ trilogy. It is called ‘And Another Thing’ by Eoin Colfer and is damned enjoyable. Different from Douglas Adams’ style but I liked it.

There will be more on all the above in lots more detail very soon. I just thought I’d update the site in case anyone thought the website, or myself, had come to a halt. We are both in fine fettle - apart from the fact that it is now 6am and I’m back at work trying to aid my ailing bank balance after a European trip. Other than that, fine bloody fettle!

Batman Arkham Asylum

Holy game-playing brilliance Batman!

Sorry but I had to do that.

First, the plot. Batman has captured the Joker and is delivering him to Gotham’s legendary Arkham Asylum. The caped crusader suspects something is amiss as the Joker barely put up a fight and fuck is he right. The whole thing is a trap as the Joker is out to get him and Commissioner Gordon. The Joker releases all the prisoners – including the most mental, scary and famous ones and soon our plucky eponymous hero is battling hordes of henchmen and baddies like Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Harleyquinn, the Scarecrow and more.

Killer Croc

The voices and acting are great. Batman and the Joker are voiced by Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill respectively. These two did the same voices for the cartoon, so geeks and fanboys (obviously not myself) will know what to expect and how good it will be. The whole cast is great – which is nice when compared to some games I’ve played. The cut-scenes and action follow each other seamlessly. Which is something you would expect these days and not like 5 or more years ago when the difference between gameplay and pre-rendered scenes could often be glaring.

The graphics are superb. Arkham’s corridors are satisfying dingy, the well-known baddies are well animated and look like they should. Even the henchmen are scarred, tattooed and muscular. The game looks magnificent except for when you are in detective mode when you lose a lot of the detail. More on this later.

The game-play is fun. Really fun. You are Batman. Which is unbelievably cool. The controls are simple – a button for counter-attack, a button for attack, one for evade, and another to confuse with your cape. Your ability to use a grappling hook and fly up a line to perch above henchmen is easy and obvious, as is gliding down again.

For me this was one of the funnest parts of the game.

Beating up lackeys is awesome!

By this, I mean the actual taking down of room-fulls of lackeys. There are generally two ways to go about this. The first is to leap among them and just beat the living crap out of the poor bastards. The combos and counters are easy to do but look brutal and cool and cinematic. When you deliver a final kick to the head it feels solid and satisfying. The other way, especially if they are armed, is to sneak around Dark Knight style and pick them off one by one. You have a ton of fun options to help you in this. You can crawl through the vents and spray your explosive bat-gelignite on a weak section of floor then blow it up as enemies walk over or under it; you can glide down and kick someone unconscious; you can sneak up behind a poor unsuspecting sod and take them out silently; or my favorite – drop down bungee style and pull some poor bastard up as he passes below you and hang him. As you take each guy out the others grow increasingly nervous (as shown by their heartbeats) and they run around in a panic occasionally firing at shadows. You really feel like Batman and it is bloody great fun.

There are a few flaws, but they are minor. The game can feel slightly repetitive. Mostly when you have to take out a room filled with bad guys. As mentioned above, this is so much fun it could hardly be seen as a flaw. The main gripe I had, and again it isn’t much, is with the detective mode. This mode allows you to alter your view so that you can scan for clues, follow trails, find flimsy walls, and see enemies from a distance through walls. It is unbelievably helpful. Too much so in fact. You can play almost the whole game in this mode and then you miss all the lovely graphics. If you are sneaking around taking out hoods one at a time it is easier if you can see them all, so you tend you stay in this mode. It is so cool taking someone down though, that you really want to see it properly and you might find yourself flicking back to normal mode just to watch the action.

Detective mode - too helpful for its own good

Once you have completed the main game, which will take a respectable amount of time, you have a load more options. You can go back through the game and try and find all the little extras like the Riddler’s hidden trophies or sound recordings of inmate interviews and so on. Or you can go for the challenge mode. This is where you take out room-fulls of baddies in either a stealthy way or a kick-ass way. You compete against an online leader board where people much better than you. I almost got in the top 75,000 the other day. It adds a lot more to the always important replayability factor. I think I have already mentioned that it is damn good fun so no need to say it again I guess.

So should you buy it? If you like Batman then GOD YES. If you like action and pretty graphics and a good old fashioned beat ‘em up then again with the same answer. This is a fun game.

Except it isn’t really is it? I just felt like stealing a headline that appears in nearly every Daily Mail issue ever.

What is pretty fucked though is the underground and the post office. I’m sure there are lots of other things wrong but these affect me. When either of these two groups of “people” go on strike, it affects millions. Over a job dispute between the workforce and their bosses. In other words, nothing to do with anyone who is actually affected. In most jobs, if you are offered a pay rise over inflation you are grateful and feel lucky. If you are still a whingeing bastard who doesn’t know how good you’ve got it compared to everyone else, you take it up with your employers. You don’t try and piss off as many other people as possible until your bosses cave in.

You don’t catch nurses or firemen going on strike do you? This is probably because people would die, I’ll admit. I work in TV however, and if we transmission controllers went on strike then no one would have anything to watch and would be forced to lead productive, active, purposeful lives and no one wants that. We work every day of the year. Even when there’s no transport like in the extreme cases of Christmas or a Sunday. If we have grief with our employers we don’t take it out on people outside the office. Well, not often.

I think we should strike sometimes though. Imagine the outcry if there was no TV and all you got at home was a screen that read: “Sorry – no Eastenders or Coronation today as we can’t make it in due to the tube strike.” Or: “There will be no TV today as we want more cash.” So the unions are having to work the weekends at the same rate as during the week. Join the club.

As for postal workers – I’m only slightly affected by this. I don’t post many letters. It is just annoying when I don’t get my Amazon deliveries. If I was a postal worker I’d be happy to have a job. Most people send emails these days and if it wasn’t for online shopping they’d be out of a job. Once Amazon and eBay find alternatives to posting things they’ll all be unemployed. I feel a bit more sorry for them though as the post office is probably still broke from when they changed the name to Consignia and back. That was a good idea. “No one is posting letters any more! What shall we do?” Then an order from on high (probably by email or text): “We should change our name.” Brilliant. I could be completely wrong about what happened but I can’t be bothered to look it up and am happy with my memory of the events.

Is this all as bad as some would have you believe? Well, maybe. If the unions start pissing everyone off bad things can happen. Especially in a recession. Just remember:

Bob Crow, Head of Transport Union

PLUS

Bill Hayes, head of Post union

Could equal bad things. When the people are down and the economy is screwed people often turn to strong, right wing types. Like:

Thatcher!

No one really wants that. So grow up people, at least you have a job. In the old days people worried about crazed Europeans invading and burning down our villages. Now we should all be happy and nice to each other – or no ‘X-factor come dancing on ice’ for you!

Well, that’s the end of my night shift. It’s a Saturday, so the district line has delays, the overland is shut, and the jubilee line is shut every weekend until 2012. So I’ll be home any hour now. Then I can relax and read the ton of hand-delivered junk mail I get every day.

I’ve been up to fuck all recently as I just seem to work all the time. As I work freelance and am going on holiday to Thailand on the 10th of November for a month, I have been forcing myself to accept nearly every shift that comes my way. Which is crap. In addition to 60 hour weeks I’m also working on my degree. This has meant I get bugger all free time. I hate working and I hate people who think it gives you a sense of purpose. The sort of person who wouldn’t change if they won millions on the lotto. I suspect they just lack imagination.

This has given me very little time to write and now that I have that time, I realize that because of work, I have nothing to write about. I just looked at the news and I’ve already talked about most of it. Apparently there are going to be even more investigations into politician expenses. Swine flu is still about to wipe us all out. I mean, come on… The only new bit of info I’ve seen is that Obama has won the Nobel Peace prize for some reason. I was a bit shocked when I first saw this headline as my brain played a twisted game that made me initially think it said “Osama wins Nobel Prize”. Which would have been weird.

So what can I write that may be of interest? Fortunately I have back up factoids for just these situations.

I read a great quote recently by Charles Dickens. He described Chelmsford (a ghastly town that I’ve visited on several occasions) as “the dullest and most stupid spot on the face of the Earth”. Which is brilliant.

I also watched some online footage of some twats being knocked out in Swansea. The footage starts with three drunken morons starting a fight. When that one finishes they wander down the road trying to start more fights with people that are unfortunate to be near them. Then they see a group of drag queens and walk up and punch one of them. Unfortunately for them, one of the drag queens happened to be a professional cage fighter who knocks the living crap out of all three. I don’t know why I found it so funny.

Apparently there was no door handle on the Apollo 11 landing pod. If Buzz Aldrin had accidentally shut the door they would really have had a problem.

A 2006 survey by channel states that Hackney is the worse place to live in Britain. Dickens and I might dispute that, although it is a dump.

Guess what the most published book in the world is? The IKEA catalogue. Take that bible!

I’ll end this post with a couple of humorous Thai adverts. Now that I’m going back I remembered how funny some of their ads are. I then looked at my friend Greg’s website  www.gregtodiffer.com and saw a couple on his site. So I decided to poach them. Thanks Greg.

Enjoy!

(Note on this one – the final words say chance of this happening: 0.00000001%)

This one is touching and sad:

This one is unpleasant but common to anyone who has lived in Thailand:

The funniest one ever:

I finished this a few days ago and have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It is just a shame that I don’t really think it is that great a book. This puts me in something of a quandary on how to review it.

The story follows Robert Langdon, the hero of Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code, as he has yet another crap time. He is asked to give a lecture in the Capitol building in Washington by an old friend called Peter Solomon, who is in charge of the Smithsonian and a mega uber-lord in the Freemasons. It turns out to be a trick and soon Solomon’s severed hand is discovered in the Capitol’s central room freshly tattooed with lots of intriguing symbols. Symbols that can luckily be deciphered by Robert Langdon. A quest is then started plus lots of chases. There then follows history lecture, action, cliffhanger, history lecture, action, cliffhanger – until the end of the book (where there’s a great big history lecture).

First – the positive. The book is very, very readable and exciting. The technique of short chapters ending with a cliffhanger really works in thrillers like these. Hours of my life sped by as I lay on the couch reading and thinking, fuck it, just one more chapter. The ideas and history lectures and conspiracy stuff is genuinely fascinating and the book is worth reading for this alone. I learnt tons about the masons and religions by reading this and I know tons already. It also makes Washington seem a lot more interesting than I had previously believed it to be. As Langdon rushes about and the bad guy grows increasingly more mental, you are educated and thrilled in equal measure. The bits about the Freemasons and Washington’s history (both the place and the person) are great but Brown does go on a bit to prove his point. In one scene he even gives a character (and the reader) the exact search phrase to type into google. The puzzles are all printed and make it all seem a bit more fun as you see if you can work things out – but probably won’t bother.

Now the negative. The writing is pretty poor. It serves its purpose though and doesn’t really matter – you’re not going to be reading this sort of thing for finely written prose after all. The characters are astoundingly wooden stereotypes. Langdon is a professor who wears professor-ish clothes and spends every moment not being chased delivering a lecture. Peter Solomon is a powerful man and is head of powerful things and has powerful friends. The bad guy is like a lot of villains in Brown’s books – a less believable and more extreme version of your average Bond nemesis. This time, instead of an albino or killer monk, we have a heavily muscled bald eunuch who is covered in tattoos.  There are a few other characters that seem to fill roles but have no real personality: an elderly African American who is wise and is the Architect of the Capitol (a job position not literally the architect) who made me think of Morgan Freeman for some reason; Solomon’s sister – pretty and clever and frequently in distress; a Japanese CIA chick who smokes a lot; a wise blind priest who is very wise; and so on. Again, the characterization doesn’t matter but it would have been nice.

The plot and some of the ideas in the book were ridiculous. I can’t tell you much without giving the plot away but once I learned what were they searching for, I guessed its location immediately. I read the entire book hoping to be proved wrong but my guess was correct. A guess I made in the first 30 minutes. Solomon’s sister Katherine is a Noetic “scientist” who believes in the potential of the human mind – basically, psychic ability. I suspect Dan Brown spoke to some Noetic “scientists” and got sold on the idea. The reason why I keep using inverted commas is that no matter what Dan Brown says – it isn’t science. They don’t use scientific method and none of their results are open to peer review. Brown seems to think people are sceptical about noetics as they are closed minded. It is more because the evidence is shite. He keeps mentioning that one day everyone will believe and be proved wrong about Noetics and frequently points out that the brightest minds believed that the earth was flat until relatively recently. It is a shame he didn’t research this because it’s horseshit and a myth that stems from the early 19th century. Most of humanity has known the earth is a globe since the ancient Greeks. Aristotle even provided visual evidence. They clearly didn’t believe that boats going over the horizon were falling off the edge of the world because most of the time the boats came back.

Brown tries to prove noetics further by stating that prayer groups have had a measurable affect on curing people and that experiments have been done to see this. There have in fact been some experiments done on this subject and they were done under proper scientific conditions with ‘blind’ test groups and so on. It proved that there was absolutely nothing in it. There are other experiments he mentions but nearly all have been done before and all proved false. I won’t go into any more detail here.

I apologize for this rant about noetics but it proves to be a central theme throughout the book and I found it ludicrous.

There are other scenes that are laughable too. Right at the very start some agents are chasing the big bald tanned baddie and stop to ask a big tanned guy with blonde hair if they saw anyone run past. ‘He went that-a-way’ the guy says. I mean, for fuck’s sake. Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny might be able to slap on a moustache and get away with this but really…

Also, when you find out what the villain is after and how his whole plan has been plotted you find your brain filling with question that start with “So why didn’t he just…” Annoying.

On the whole though, the book is fun with lots of codes and facts printed so that you the reader can try and work things out. You will be looking up a lot of things on google and it starts to feel almost interactive in places. The pace is relentless and exciting. You will probably enjoy reading it but when finished you will think – that was alright I guess. If I was to give a one sentence recommendation it would be: “If you liked Dan Brown’s other books, you will like this.” Just not as much as The Da Vinci Code.